I took the Summer off. From so many things. I just took off.
I don’t think I’ve ever done that before…not that I recall, anyway. I’m not a runner. I never have been. And I don’t mean “runner” like…fitness runner. I mean…
“there-are-too-many-things-that-are-hurting-my-heart-so-I’m-getting-the-heck-out-of-dodge” running.
The past year has been the hardest of my life. And that includes 7th grade…which royally sucked $@*#.
There was one too many losses…
one too many heart-aches…
one too many “oh-my-heavenly-Jesus-I-cannot-do-this-agains.”
Some of you know every detail…some of you are left guessing. And that’s okay with me.
I took my family…and we ran. Some of us…of the shorter kind…don’t even know why we ran. And that’s okay with me too. Preferred, actually. I’ve decided that a young faith doesn’t need a lot of testing. And let’s be honest…going out into a broken world every day is test enough. So…by God…I’m gonna protect them from it the best I can.
I’ve learned a lot this Summer. I’ve learned that sometimes…I am the one who needs the support instead of being the one who is giving it…and that I don’t have to feel guilty about that. I’ve learned that people come in and out of your life at many different times and in many different ways and that just because someone is gone…it doesn’t diminish the importance or love from when they were there. I’ve learned that sometimes…I have to choose to narrow my focus to just my husband and my kids…because I won’t always have the strength for the “world.” I’ve learned that putting my phone and my computer down silences a good majority of the noise. I’ve learned that my family is there for me. I’ve learned that I happen to be very superstitious and that entertaining superstition has affected my understanding of God’s love and His truth. I’ve learned that I’m strong. And most importantly…I’ve learned that I really, really trust Jesus…and that I can rest in His truth and goodness and love for me.
I have missed writing. I have missed photographing my life. And I hope that with the preparation and start of school…comes a refreshed desire to come back to reality. As good as running can be for the soul sometimes…like pounding feet on the pavement is for the body…at some point, you have to stop. Muscles tire. You can’t run forever. But I’m going to be honest…the scenery during my run was beautiful. And looking back at the images and remembering the stories in the days to come will be a great way to spend the first weeks of this new school year.
But for today…I will stay in the present. Today…I will breathe in and survive on all of the little details that make life beautiful here…exactly where I am.
Aiden started 4th grade today. And I’ve decided that instead of dwelling on the thought that she might as well be a junior in high school…I will concentrate on the ways that my 4th grade baby is still, very much, a little girl. Like…at least she’s not wearing make-up. She’s not getting her hair colored or highlighted. She’s not driving…or dating. She’s not in any danger of getting engaged this year. She still plays with her American girl doll…and her sister…and laughs at her brother’s fart jokes. And best of all…she will still…….
….hold my hand while she lets me walk her to her classroom.
Chad snapped these. And when I looked back at them…I was so glad he did. There is proof out there that my oldest daughter and I spin the exact same way when our names are called for an impromptu picture.
She walked into school the lone sibling for the first time this year. She has always had a brother or two to go with. And although it made me sad…I also caught glimpses of her individuality and her strength. My girl knows who she is and is confident in her worth. And I love that. Plus…it wasn’t but a second before she was joined by friends.
After her drop off…it was the boy’s turn. The fact that Chase is in Jr. High is mind boggling to me. I really don’t know how that happened so fast. I think that the way time speeds up once you have children is beyond any kind of human understanding. In fact…I’d like to have a word with God about it. He created spinning planets, for Heaven’s sake. Surely He could create a slow down button.
Anyhow…I thought he may be a little nervous.
Nope.
It was business as usual this morning.
It was quite comforting to me…that after 2 years…my boys were going to be walking the same halls again.
Now…we are not unlike any other family in the sibling squabble department. There are times that I feel like I should be wearing a black and white striped shirt and those hideous black bike shorts that referee’s have to wear. In fact…I just decided to buy a whistle. Every time they argue over mind craft worlds or who needs to get out of who’s room…I’ll just start blowing the whistle really loud. It will be like a fire drill……for fighting.
But…to hear them last night…laughing and talking through open bedroom doors across the short hallway that separates them…was a mom moment I want to remember forever. Chase was asking for Colt’s opinion on what shirt to wear with what shorts. Colt was explaining how to wear the special Nike socks…and offering locker opening advise. They were going over schedules and making plans to meet in the hallway. And I heard an older brother promising a younger brother that he would always be there for him. And my heart beats harder…just thinking about that. Because that’s the kind of relationship I started dreaming about when I found out that Chase was coming…and that Colt was going to be a big brother to a little brother.
And always able to offer me some needed comic relief when my mommy emotions are swelling to the point of a possible embarrassing breakdown…there comes sister.
She swoops in…displaying her, self described, “special outfit.” Pajamas…good. Vest…good. Boots…very good. Disheveled hair…well…we’ll have to work on that. But somehow…it works for her with this ensemble.
And then…there was this moment. I will never tire of this picture.
I think I’ve handled all the emotion I can for today. And…it’s not even noon. I think I’ll go hang with my cowgirl, sidekick now. Because…I’ll blink…and it will be her turn to spread her wings and leave the nest. And at that moment…
you may all come visit me in the emotional breakdown wing of the local hospital. You think I’m joking. Just wait.
I’ve never been more happy to hear Disney cartoons coming from the other room….
…or be asked to put the doll’s shoes on for the 187th time.
Hoping we all…(you included)…have an extraordinary day.