i’m aware it’s been a while. there’s not much i can do about that. it is what it is. i’ve been tired. worn down. completely apathetic. nonchalant. that’s o.k. right? i guess it has to be.

since my last post, chad’s grandmother passed away, and we have driven across the country (to iowa) and back, which has proven to have thrown me for more of a loop than usual. it is always hard for me to transition…which has only been exacerbated since having 3 small children. whatever that means…i don’t know. but currently i am drowning my sorrows to a particularly dark pearl jam song while attempting to be of some interest to this screen.

we just had to call a family meeting. i think……yes, i think that is a first. colton and chase have been at each others throats; aiden is 2 (self-explanatory); chad and i are both tired, worn down, and generally lacking any drive what so ever. the attentive, energetic, and playful mom that i once was has been replaced by one who desperately needed a break. i always heard of the moms who had breakdowns and ended up shuffling the halls in her bathrobe while muttering softly over and over again, “i forgot to take the dog out. wait a minute…i don’t have a dog.” all the while her children are throwing pieces of their uneaten grilled cheese at her…seeing who can make one ricochet off her face the farthest. yep. that feels about right. anyhow, at our family meeting we talked about respect, love, kindness, appreciation for what we have, and obedience. all general stuff…yet such life affecters. i sought forgiveness for not being as “present” as they were accustomed to…and explained how i had been long over due for a break…and how from now on, i was going to take one when needed instead of letting it all build up. no grilled cheeses in my face please. chad brought down the hammer and all that jazz. we are developing a summer schedule for everyday in an attempt to curb boardom and lessen squabbling. bedtime is back to 7:30. meals are no longer whenever they start whinning. i’ve learned that by that point…it’s too late. no more toys everywhere. i’m turning this disney cruise that we seem to be on into a tighter ship.

well, i guess i’m done for now. pearl jam has lulled me into a somewhat dreamlike stuper and the natives (whom i still love more than life) could be getting restless. well, at least chad’s in there with them…although asleep on the playroom floor. i’m fully expecting him to wake up with a marker mural all over his body. who knows? i’ve turned up the music to block it all out. could that be part of the problem?

o.k. so i’ve learned my lesson. maybe. for those of you who know me, you know that my children are some of the most photographed children in america. i take massive amounts of pictures. i had a nikon 75 (i think) and was totally happy with it. love having film that is tangible. love having pictures developed. love that i can’t even make it out of the store without looking at them all. love the search for the perfect captured moment. love seeing the photo after i’ve gotten it. love the brown leather photo albums that are lined up on my book shelf that chronicle the kid’s birth through 7 months ago. so, if i love all of that so much…why did i get a digital camera?

well, the answer is 2 fold. i could save money on film and developing, and it’s a lot easier in this technical world of ours.

so…for my birthday and anniversary…(that’s the way i can talk chad in to bigger purchases :))…he got me my nikon d50. we went in to get a point and shoot sony digital, and came out with the big guns. my lens was enter-changable…so it just made more sense. and…i like a manual zoom. but…i digress once again.

my big issue with going this route was the non-tangibleness of having your photos on the computer and cds instead of in albums. it took some getting used to. and, on more occation than one, i asked the question, “but what if the computer crashes?” the answer was always the same. some version of…”has your computer ever crashed before?” to which i replied…”no.” so, there you have it. i made the switch. and it has been great. i don’t even know how many pictures i have on the computer. lots and lots is the technical answer that comes to mind. my summer project was to get them all onto cds and organized in photo boxes. no problem.

problem. the other day, i found aiden in chad’s chair with her hand on the mouse and something that looked odd on the screen. i still don’t know what she did, but what i do know, is that our computer crashed. and yes, this happened before i had all my pictures from the last 7 months backed up on cds. chad talked to all kinds of computer people who all said the same thing. they were gone. i was in denial for a while, but when the reality set in…i’m not gonna lie…i was extemely upset. not angry…just really sad. i kept thinking of all the different memories i had lost, etc. etc. etc. and with each new photo i thought of, i got more and more sad. a friend helped me put it in perspective and i was slowly coming to terms with it. i even prayed that we would find them. there is this computer guy that works with chad who agreed to look at the computer for us. i tried not to get my hopes up. but this guy…this genious of a man (in my opinion)…found my pictures. every last one of them. can you believe it? i still am marveled by the fact that my God…the same God who is having to watch children die of starvation and thirst every day…cares enough about me to concern himself with 7 months worth of my pictures. well, i guess he does. and i’m glad. because if he cares about us that much…with all the other things he has going on…he must really love us. and…not only does he love us, but he really enjoys surprising us with happiness. i love that. even more than pictures.

so. i hate snakes. i hate them alot. they make me squeemish. i could really do without them. do you get how much i despise snakes?

well, chad has been in colorado for a couple of days. he got home late last night. anyways, tuesdays are trash days…and since he was out of town…i had to take the trash down to the curb. i hate trash duties too. but, that’s neither here nor there. i went out to the garage to get the trash can to walk it down. as soon as i opened the man door, i noticed, what looked like a tail of some sort. it was a brick reddish color. i immediately thought snake for some reason. i froze at first, but then decided that it was not the right color for a snake. so, i bent down to get a closer look. i was not sure. it could be a snake, or it could be…well…i really don’t know what else it could have been. i was just in denial. so, i stood there for a minute and then decided that the trash looked great just where it was. i went inside and called chad in denver. he was in a meeting and texted me back that he couldn’t talk. so, i texted him…”SNAKE IN THE GARAGE.” he texted back, “how big?” like that matters. i went back out to look again. i could only see a little of the body, and the tail. colton and i were bent down looking at it…wedged between the garage slab and wood side panels. i asked colton what he thought it was. we were not sure. then…IT MOVED! i freaked at that point. then, i went and got the neighbor, and he came over with a flash light and looked at it for me. he said that he thought it was poisonous. GREAT. then he told me to go get a coat hanger. i did and was none too thrilled about what was going to happen. he tried to get it out, but it was gone. in hiding, if you will. so, i did not set foot outside again yesterday and was prepared to live a life without ever setting foot outside the house again. i had everything i needed within the 4 walls of my house anyways. i liked it in here. so, this morning…chad went outside to start taking everything out of the garage to see if he could find it. i said, you are never gonna find it and i am never going out there again. he was not out there 30 seconds before he came in to tell me he found it. it was outside the garage…down in a crack between the garage and the pavement. so, he told me to take colton to school and that he would get it. THANK YOU SWEET JESUS. my man was there. here he came to save the day. no more snake to worry about. i did not ever have to see it again. i wash my hands of the whole situation. sweet relief. i did not have to see him chop it to bits. i did not have to see it wiggle. bye bye snake. so i told colton to come get in the van. i stepped in the grass between the house and the van and tuned around to make sure colton was coming. (he was not as eager to miss the snake masacre). he reluctantly followed me, and the rest of the story is somewhat of a blur. all i know is that colton yelled…”MOM! THERE’S ANOTHER ONE! WATCH OUT!” in what seems like one hurried motion, i looked at where he was pointing; looked down; saw another snake right next to my flip flop wearing foot; and nearly passed out. chad, who over-heard the whole exchange, was at my side in 2 seconds flat; pulling me behind him; and hoed it to death while i watched with mouth opened wide. “my eyes. my eyes.” and…my hero.

now, i’m sure that there is a mama who has set up house in our garage…probably in the kid’s ball bin…and her millions of babies are crawling all over our yard and making their way into our house.

who thinks i’ll sleep well tonight?

The other day, Chad and Colton were playing baseball in the backyard. Chad was pitching and Colton was batting and running the bases. Each time he would bat, he would be a different Astros player. Once he was Brad Ausmus (yeeee). then, he was Craig Biggio. Then, he was Lance Berkman. Then, he was Brandon Backe (and yeeee again). He was hitting great. Chad was really pitching too. He would hit the ball…usually the first pitch in…and run to first base. Then ghost runner on first. You get the drift. So, the last batter was Morgan Ensberg. He takes a few practice swings; steps into the batter’s box; and prepares to hit the ghosts home. And then, the unexpected happened. One. Two. Three. Struck out! What????? Then he shruggs, drops the bat, and says, “Dad. I’m thinkin Morgan Ensberg is not that good.”

The other night, I was at a friend’s house. The kids were playing in the backyard and we were all sharing a meal in the comfort of the patio. There is nothing like your kids having good friends. The kind that they always want to be with. The kind that you love because they love. Kids know how to love. They know how to be friends. They are innocent. They have not been corrupted by rejection, deceit, insecurity, or manipulation. They just love. They play. They can argue one minute and hug the next. They can be crying at the drop of a hat, and all it takes is a glance and an apology from their friend to make it all better. Tenderness. And off they go. Running. Laughing. Playing. Happy. They pray for each other nightly. They don’t forget. They are genuine. Dear God, please help my friend to not be sick or sad. I am learning about being a friend from watching my kids and their friends. Colton is planning on having 6 kids with his little Anna Marie. After they get married, of course. (She is not so sure. Her face was priceless when Colton gave her that little piece of information. Marriage fine. 6 kids. What???) Anyhow, innocence. At it’s best. We decided that I would bathe my 3 over there because they would, most likely fall asleep on the way home from the sheer exhaustion from happiness. In the bathroom was a plethora of different perfumes on the counter top. Now, me being a detail person, obviously loves smells. I, in an attempt to not get bored while the kids had their little bit of play time with the soap, began smelling all the perfume and carefully examining the different bottles. Funny how the bottle does it for me…more than the smell. It could be a great smell, but if I don’t like the bottle…it’s a no go. I spotted a bottle off to the side. It was a simple shape. Perfume a simple clear. There was a pink flower on the front that caught my attention first. It was the color of Aiden’s walls. I love Aiden’s walls. So…naturally, I love the flower. It was a simple daisy. The kind I doodle. I popped the top off and closed my eyes to take the smell in. It was a good smell. I looked at the bottle to see what the name was. I finally found it on the bottom of the bottle. Very small. Very…um…innocent and surprising. Its name was Happy. I sprayed it up into the air and then proceeded to jump through the mist of spray. Then I thought to myself…I just jumped through happy.

Inspired by a friend. A friend who, when I’m with her, always makes me feel like I’m jumping through happy.

today, chase and i had such a tender mother/son moment. he was eating lunch, and had proceeded to get food all over his face. shocking. anyways, i went over to clean him up and after i wiped his face, i took his face in my hands and looked him right in the eyes and said, “chasers…i love you so much.” to which he smiled and showed me those, oh so cute, dimples and said, “give me a kiss.” of course i gave him sweet kisses all over his even sweeter face…which was a catalyst for giggles from both of us. then, he reached up and took my face in his hands…which i was sure to cap off the tender moment…and said, sweet as sugar, “let me touch your eyeball.” not quite the comment i was expecting, but chaser non the less. and boy, do i love that kid.

You know it’s bad when your almost 2 year old says to you, in a somewhat sing-songy voice, “Youuuu Whoooo,” to get your attention. That, she’s learned from her 4 year old brother. 4 year olds talk ALOT. Sometimes, as much as you don’t want to, you begin to tune them out…especially late in the day…when the attention span is just not quite up to par. Several days ago, I started getting snapped back into reality by Chase with a far off “Youuu Whooo” that would get louder until I had returned from wherever I had been. Today, after Aiden began the “Youuu Whooo” form of getting my attention, I began to ask myself; one: why were they having to youu whoo me back and, two: where was I going to need youu whooing back from? It made me realize the place in my head that not too many know of. The dreamer place. In the dreamer place, really fun and amazing things happen. I began to make a list of the things that happen to me in the dreamer place. I needed to write them all down…because although a lot of them I know I will never do…some of them I could…and should…and will.

1. adopt a child
2. sing in a really cool band that plays really good music and has lots of fun
3. play serious guitar
4. win an olympic medal
5. act in a movie
6. snowboard
7. waterski and wakeboard in lake travis (again)
8. drink an apple martini
9. go on a missions trip to africa headed by bono
10. visit my brother in alaska
11. not worry
12. love God more than myself
13. take really great pictures
14. get a nose ring
15. fly a kite at the beach with the kids
16. take aiden to try on wedding dresses
17. hold chad’s hand in the waiting room, awaiting the arrival of a grandchild
18. witness the miracle of hunger and poverty come to an end
19. see the Holy Lands
20. go to ireland
21. know my roots
22. go to hawaii with my husband and some really good friends
23. see chase and aiden give their hearts to Jesus
24. be a catalyst for the lost
25. be a voice-over for a big disney film
26. wear a tiara for a legitimant reason
27. be able to build cool things out of wood
28. watch out the window for each kid to come home from their first date, and then sit in the dark, over fresh baked chocolate chip cookies and talk about it for hours
29. own a horse named marble and be able to ride him, fast, whenever i wanted
30. see all of my lost friends found