The kids are growing up.  There’s no question about that.  But some things…Chad and I are just not ready for.  Like this conversation at dinner last night.

Me:  Why don’t you tell Daddy what you told me in the car today after school.

Aiden:  No.

Chad:  It’s ok.  You can tell me anything.  What is it?

Aiden:  Oh fine.  I have a boyfriend now.

Chad (color draining from face):  You do?  Who?

Aiden:  Dylan.

Me:  Was it your idea for him to be your boyfriend, or his?

Aiden:  I asked him if he wanted to be my boyfriend and he said no…because he already had another girlfriend.  But then, he said that he broke up with his girlfriend and wanted to date me.

* at this point, colton spewed water out of his mouth laughing and chad and i had to put our heads down…due to a mixture of shock and awe.  after chad and i composed ourselves and quieted the boys, the conversation continued.

Me:  Where did you hear the phrase “he wants to date me?”

Aiden:  I don’t know.

Chad:  What do you like about Dylan?

Aiden:  His hair and his eyes.

* both boys lost it again and aiden burst into tears.  chad told them to pull it together or they would be sent from the table.  chase then piped in.

Chase:  One time, a girl in my class asked me if I wanted to go on a date with her.  I said, “okay.  aaaawwwk….wwaaarrrd.”

*  at that, chad lost it while i was still trying to console aiden.  i assured her that there was nothing to be embarrassed about and that it was ok.  then we had a long talk about how the good thing about kindergarten was that you can have a bunch of friends that were girls and a bunch of friends that were boys and that you don’t start having boyfriends or girlfriends until high school.  i can honestly say that i wasn’t ready for that conversation with my sweet pea.  today, i got to talk to her teacher, where i learned that there were some other kids in the class that had some older friends and siblings and that they were talking about such things.  this made me feel a little better.  i just knew it couldn’t have been my little baby girl coming up with all these ideas.  i did ask for her to be moved, though.  i wouldn’t want chad to have to have words with some kid on the playground inbetween the slide and the monkey bars.  seriously.

however i am reminded of kirk williams…a little boy who professed his love for me in mrs. grimes’ kindergarten class in 1980.  he even sang to me every day.   “I can’t believe I’m out here on her front porch in this swing…just a swingin…”

maybe the apple doesn’t fall too far from the tree afterall.  although…i’m certain he didn’t ever say he wanted to “date” me.

chase has a servant’s heart. he is always the one who quietly serves without expecting anything in return…surely a rare find in grown men these days, much less little ones. the other day, we were at an adult friend’s birthday party. everyone had gone through the food line inside and had found various seating on the large, back porch and had started eating. i had annslee in my arms and a plate of food for her in my hand as i walked out to the packed porch. i have to admit that there were grown men sitting comfortably in chairs, already eating dinner and kids scattered around digging into their hotdogs. as i walked through the door to the porch, i quickly surveyed the seating and knew i would have to find another place to sit and feed annslee. and not allowing one more second to pass, chase…with his servant’s heart grabbed his plate, stood up and said, “here mommy…you can sit here.” you can imagine the grown men’s faces as they saw an example of godliness in this little boy. my heart leaped with pride and gratitude. we made a very big deal of chase and his servant’s heart and he got to pick from the treasure box when we got home.

yesterday, when they came in from school, chase was sitting at the table eating his snack. he looked at me and said, “mommy? do you want to lay down on the couch and rest while i rub your back? i replied, “oh chase…that would be wonderful!” he said, “that would fill up your bucket. we all have a bucket and when people do nice things…it fills it up.” i’m not sure where he got this…but i pray that there are people in his life, scattered strategically throughout his day who fill his bucket today. i also pray that i can learn from chase’s expample and serve with a happy heart.

good grief. i just had to have a “session” with myself. you know when you leave a certain situation and think “why couldn’t i have just sat in the background and kept my big, fat mouth shut?” you re-live the whole scenario and go over what you said and how others responded to you over and over again until you are positive that everyone left and went straight home to tell their husbands what a complete lunatic you are and vow to never invite you to another get together for the love of all things peaceful? (i’m not even sure if that was a question or a statement!!) look…now i’m confused about punctuation. i guess that’s the moral of the story. i’m confused. i don’t do “confused” well. and somehow the conversation made it’s way to some of the things i am most confused about and lets just say that “blabble” puts it politely. i felt myself saying, “shut up, shut up, shut up.” but it was too late. once the blabble starts, it’s very hard to stop.

the truth is, i’ve never been able to be anything other than myself. i say what i think. i feel what i feel. and i wear my emotions on my sleeve. that translates into the people i am with generally knowing a little (or in this case, alot) of the real me. and that is very scary sometimes. i used to feel pretty secure in my own skin. but lately, i have battled insecurity about myself and what people think of me like i haven’t in a long, long time. and i hate insecure. it goes against everything i stand for and want my kids to stand for. so tonight, we have a combination of a battle with insecurity rearing it’s ugly head and very genuine and honest blabble about my heart and what is on it and people i have not seen ot talked to in a while, as well as someone I JUST MET, who probably didn’t really need to hear anything other than “things have been fine. (smile politely)”

in the hour or so since this experience, i have allowed myself to concoct a menagerie of thoughts that these people must have of me and my matters of the heart as well as tell myself that they want nothing to do with me or my blabble at this point. insecurity and blabble is not such a good combination. i guess there are two morals of the story.

this morning, chad had to leave early for work. the kids are used to him being around for breakfast. so when he wasn’t milling around the kitchen, drinking his orange juice this morning, chase asked:

chase: “where’s daddy?”

me: “he has already left.”

chase: “oh. he already left to go play poker?”

it was 7:40 in the morning. let’s hope not.

what do you do when you can’t decide which picture you like better? i usually post both. for instance…in the top picture, i love being able to see chase’s beautiful eyes and colt looks somewhat “happy” in spite of my insisting on getting a “hat” picture on our way to the baordwalk. however, i like the spacing and zoom of the bottom picture better. ahhh…the obsessive tendencies of the perfectionistic photographer.

and chad was meeting us there, so he was unable to appear in the “hat” picture. although, i would like to point out that he was, in fact wearing one.

“when i grow up, i want to be a frog…and live outside in the backyard. and when you come outside, i’ll say, “pssssst. down here. don’t step on me.””

~chase (7 yrs.)

“EWWWWW…undies! i’m not gonna fold anything boyish…because they have had BUTT in them. BOY BUTT!!”

~aiden; while helping me fold laundry (5 yrs.)

“i am not going to over serve myself dr. pepper in the late afternoon anymore. it makes it hard to go to sleep.”

~me; while typing this blog when i should be in bed asleep (present day)