i have not really thought about the new year, resolutions…changes i want to make…etc. etc. etc.  but i have decided that this blog is going to be a tangible way that i can be grateful.  i’m hoping that being diligent in recording my simple gratitudes will transform my heart…that has been battling an ever present and somewhat debilitating negativity that has silently taken root and exponentially flourished over the course of my adult life.  i am nothing like i was as a child, or young adult.  i used to be carefree, happy-go-lucky, happy, filled with life, celebratory, smiling, laughing, “bull in a china closet” (as termed by my dad), non-regretting, positive girl.  i will not go into great detailed length about how my heart feels now, but i will say that i am a far cry from that girl.  at least it feels like i am a far cry from her.  although, i’m holding out hope that she is not too far buried in there and that a little disciplined graciousness will cause the clouds to part in my heart.  so here goes…

I’M GRATEFUL FOR…

#1  a close family

#2  unconditional love (even when i doubt it)

#3  long-distance friendships that remain strong

#4  aiden softly singing “you are my sunshine” to grandpa at his viewing

#5  grandpa’s hat

#6  the cabin feel

#7  warm socks

#8  grace

#9  bass pro shop

#10  deer

#11  cold

#12  getting christmas put away

#13  monogrammed sleeping bags for girls

#14  the baby napping

#15  breaking down while reading my tribute to grandpa in front of a crowd

#16  knowing my husband had my back

#17  chase’s non-concern about what people would think if he got up and came and hugged me for comfort

#18  aiden’s tear drops rolling down her cheeks at her great-grandpa’s funeral

#19  answering her desperate question about where grandpa is going as they closed the lid over his body

#20  her offering me her snot covered kleenex and telling me of the “big booger she just got out” through her tears

#21  taps at a graveside

#22  jimmy stewart

#23  grandpa’s martin guitar in the hands of my dad

#24  grandpa’s hand-written music binders

#25  an antique chifferobe

#26  re-arranged funiture

#27  atticus finch

#28  i’ll fly away

#29  sunday fedoras

#30  lanerns

#31  military salutes

#32  brothers

#33  kids sensing when you need space and when you need a hug

#34  good timing

#35  hope

#36  offering and accepting forgiveness

#37  grandpa’s tapes of him playing and singing

#38  southern gospel

#39  abandoning facebook

#40  fearing not

#41  family showing of the nativity story

#42  aiden’s questions about becomming a Jesus follower

#43  overcoming fear

#44  my oldest son’s support when chad couldn’t be there

#45  breathing treatments

#46  medicine

#47  hallmark movies

#48  Honey not worrying about catching bronchiolitis from her grandbaby

#49  God’s protection of the elderly

#50  gratitude through a storm

50 is a good start, don’t you think?  i think my heart feels sorta glad.  i’m not sure.  i just had to stop and try to feel it.  it’s kind of a foreign feeling.  i probably shouldn’t admit that.

as some of you know, and some of you don’t…depending on who is still reading this little blog…my dear, sweet grandpa died december 26th at 9:36 pm.  he was surrounded by my dad, my aunt debbie, my mom, my uncle steve, myself, my brother kevin, and my cousins christin and michael as he took his last breath.  we had been with him all day and i am confident that he knew we were there…although he had not opened his eyes or spoken to us since our own, private christmas eve/communion service in his room on christmas eve night.  yes, we knew it was coming.  yes, it was expected.  (those are the first questions people tend to ask.)  however…no one was prepared for those last moments with him.  nor were we prepared for the hole that we feel now.  it is in the shape of grandpa, and certainly no one, but Jesus… the one, true comforter can fill it. i now know that you can “expect” something, but still not be “ready” for it. when you watch death come upon someone, you get a sense of how wrong it is.  it wasn’t supposed to be that way.  it wasn’t what God originally intended.  it just feels……..all wrong.  however, as grandpa drew his last breath, with dad whispering assurance and adoration to him, a tear dropped from his closed left eye.  i have no doubt that he was seeing Jesus, my grandmother, and his other son who were already there…waiting for him.  i guess, eventually, that will offer some comfort.

this last week was spent planning the funeral and it could not have been more special.  chad did the service.  i had the honor of writing his obituary and speaking at the funeral (i will post that later.)  we had a tape of him playing the guitar and singing “back home again” transferred to a cd and played it during the service. his prized guitar was displayed with his hand written music of the song framed next to it, and the service ended with “i’ll fly away”…which was one of my most requested songs for him to play and sing for me.  at the graveside, we were met by two military officers who saluted him, played taps, and folded the flag and presented it to my dad on behalf of the president of the united states of america.

i have cried a lot over the last week.

tonight will be one week since grandpa left us…and i’m hoping the sadness will loosen it’s grip a bit.

thanks so much to those of you who have offered thoughts and messages of comfort.  i didn’t really reply to texts, but it was good to know that you guys were there…especially chad’s sweet family.

this weekend, chad and i got to cash in on our valentine’s day present from my parents…which was money to go out and babysitting all 4 of the loves. let’s not even discuss how long it has been since we have been able to go out.  friday night…we went to the galleria to shop and then to dinner at the cheesecake factory.  my favorite part was the shopping.  chad’s favorite part was the dinner.  i can honestly say that i experienced a happiness that i have not felt in a while that night.  you know…the kind where you can’t contain your happy and you start jumping up and down…embarrassing the person you are with and you don’t even care who is watching?   well…that is the kind of happy i felt friday night in the middle of the toys r us inside the galleria. 

i was already in a good mood…due to a little stroll through TIFFANY’S.  i got to try on a necklace that i have been salivating over for several years now.  then…a guy held up two very sparkly and very expensive diamond rings in front of my face and asked me which was my favorite.  i tried them both on my finger while chad watched…and i didn’t mind at all that it could be considered “inappropriate” to let another man buy me such an extravagant gift right there in front of my husband!  *ha*  even if this very tasteful and drool-worthy bling was intended for someone else’s finger…my finger was happy with the treasure for a moment. 

this leads me to the “find”.  chase only has one wish for christmas.  he wants indiana jones legos.  only…the problem is, they are totally discontinued.  which means…you can not find them anywhere.  we have looked all over houston and even online.  you can find some sets on e-bay and sites like that, but the prices are so jacked up…it’s not even feasible.  so…on friday, i tried to break it to chase that his one wish…the only thing he is asking santa for…will probably not be an option.  this gentle warning was met with big, crocodile tears that made me want to go track down an elf myself and teach them how to make indiana jones legos.  at that…colton piped in with the fact that chase shouldn’t worry because santa was sure to be able to find them.  (he’s trying to be so crafty to not blow the whole “santa” thing that he lost his head there for a second.)  so, the conversation ended with chase feeling quite sure that colton was right…and that santa could find them.  well…while at the galleria, we checked the lego store, just in case.  nothing.  they said that they are not available anywhere.  and i don’t know if you’ve ever been to the lego store…but those people know their business.  so, we decided to come up with something else for chase and eyed a small toys r us that moved into the mall.  we split up and began strolling the isles looking for something for aj.  about 3/4 the way down the isle, i glanced down to the bottom shelf to my left and i could not believe what i was seeing.  it was a huge box of indiana jones legos.  i started jumping up and down, screaming and scooped it up faster than i could throw whatever else i was holding in my hands down.  there was another smaller box of indiana jones legos behind it and i grabbed it too.  the people at the check out didn’t even know where they had come from.  i’m positive they were placed there specifically for chase. 

this kid is getting his legos!

so, i may or may not have “over-reacted”.  i’m not really sure.  i think chad was super excited too…when i tracked him down.  he was searching for the screaming, i think…due to having a sneaking suspicion that it could possibly be me.  i ran up to him and showed him the legos and he just kind of stared at them and said, “are you kidding me?”  he was more calm than i was…but i’m sure just as excited.  i mean…he didn’t jump up and down or anything.  but…let’s face it…i have a flare for the dramatic tendencies.

so…that’s the happy.  i think i’ll remember that forever. 

we ate lunch at my parent’s house the next day.  we had hamburgers and fries with chocolate malts from a burger joint up the road.  (sometimes i just MUST speak as if i live in a cute, quaint, little town instead of the ginormous city that it actually is.)  i had a black bean burger substitute, as usual…and got made fun of by other family members…(who shall remain nameless)…as usual.  but the best part was when chase handed me all the picked off sesame seeds off of his bun.  i thought he just didn’t want to eat them…but then he asked if we could plant them.  i said, “sure.  we can plant them.”  then he said, “great!  i’m going to plant them and grow hamburgers!!” 

i guess that’s the happy too.

…YOU MAKE ME SMILE.  sort of.

you’re kinda cold.  but none the less, i tried…quite unsuccessfully to get some really great pictures of the cousins.  all 9 of them.  which makes it a little more acceptable that i didn’t get any super shots of them all together.  but…here you go, in spite of the fussy, pappy sucking, quick moving, squirming, shy, cold suffering, hyper, none picture taking liking, too old to be posing with babies, tired, hungry, flailing, bad mood…but oh-so-sweet children

as i waited tonight, in what would soon be his room…i couldn’t help but be anxious to see him again.  he was being moved from one hospital to another.  

i find my thoughts these days turning into daydreams about the next lucid moments that i will get with him. with a family at home, i covet the evening hours when i can go for a visit…and although i’m not traveling to grandpa’s house in duncanville, like i remember so vividly as a kid…and the activities and dynamics of the visit have certainly shifted, the excitement of talking to him remains the same.  sometimes, he sleeps most of the time.  sometimes i can’t understand what he is trying to say.  but, sometimes…when i get lucky, he shows up.  when he sees me, i always say the same thing…”hi grandpa.”  he always responds with, “well…hi.”  and we have great conversations.  sometimes he will want me to pray with him.  sometimes he will need a reminder that he still has a purpose here.  sometimes he makes his jokes, and i laugh and watch him laugh.  and sometimes…like last night, we talk about old times…when he was in a band and played the heck out of his guitar and had gigs at different places.  we talked about my favorite songs to listen to him play…folsom prison blues, and i’ll fly away.  he would always let me sing along.  and i would always make him re-teach me how to play my favorite guitar parts.  he even sang some of folsom prison for me last night.  he didn’t miss a note and he told me that when he would see a guitar on a stand, he couldn’t stand just to look at it…he had to play it.  i always tell him i love him, and he always says in his most soft and gentle voice that is almost too weak to be able to hear anymore, “well…i love you too, hon.” 

tonight, when he finally got there…he was tired and confused.  i know he needed to sleep, but i was longing for those moments…the ones that i will tuck away and carry with me when he is no longer here.  the ones that will bring comfort when it’s time to say goodbye.  i need those moments…when it’s him, and me, and a memory.  i want to remind him of how he used to make funny noises in my ear and how it tickled and made me giggle.  i want to tell him that i do it for my kids and they giggle and squirm too, and i always tell them that it is what grandpa did when i was a little girl.  and how they always say, “do it again” just like i did.  i’m already daydreaming of my next conversation with him. 

grandpa……tell me a story.