storytime in my house is leaving something to be desired, presently.  try as i might, i can not get my little snuggle bunny to sit still for even a fraction of a second to look and listen to me read her a story.  it’s just.not.working.  there is a small exception to the rule.  if she knows i am getting ready to put her in her bed for the night, she will lay back on my chest, as i sit tight in the chair in her room (which used to be the “nursing” chair and now must be re-named something sweet and positive, like the “story” chair to keep me from being insanely sad that my baby is officially weaned and that, yet another part of her babyness is gone…poof) and read goodnight moon.  she will calmly listen and look at the pictures and point at the three little bears…sitting on chairs, or the two kittens and the pair of mittens.  but, that’s it.  and that is just because she wants to stay up as long as humanly possible.  so it technically doesn’t count as storytime.  it’s more like…..act like i care about this so that she won’t put me in that bed time.  i know what you’re thinking.  just read to her then if that’s when she will listen, and let it go.  BUT…i love to read books to the kids.  colton will listen to me read anything.  he will even listen to the stories that are more geared for aiden…like the american girl doll books.  aiden will sit in my lap or curl up on the couch and listen to a variety of tales…often asking me to read them again and again and again.  chase…..well…..he’s another story.  he can’t sit still or pay attention to save his life.  he’s in and out, up and down, rolling, pouncing, or daydreaming.  so i guess the puddin cup comes by it naturally.  she gets it from her brother.  anyway…i keep trying, and she keeps squirming.  today, before her nap…i got out an especially baby girlish book, complete with fuzzy fir and animated animals and i found myself yelling out the story over her squeals and squirms to get away.  i even kept reading to her as she was, all but RUNNING away from me down the hall.  when i was left in an empty hallway, reading look who’s ticklish (if that’s even the real title)…TO MYSELF…i thought, “what the heck am i doing?”  then i laughed.  then i re-thought my ability to ever homeschool….should we ever go that route.  the two have to be related somehow.

it’s possible that there could not be a mother more in love with her children than i.  make no mistake.  there are times when colton’s arguing, chase’s moodiness, aiden’s refusal to eat anything that doesn’t fall under the “snack” category, and annslee’s pure, stubborn will are enough to make you throw your hands in the air and wonder, “where are your parents?”  but, when i allow myself to meander through their moments with them, talk to them…really talk to them, and listen to them…really listen, i am simply blown away by their little thoughts and dreams and ideas…their reasons why? they make the decision they did…and there really is a good reason.  usually.  they are always thinking, wondering, playing, dreaming, figuring, imagining, learning, inventing, plotting, planning, protecting…themselves or something that means something to them, and loving.  and to meet them in their world…is…………magical.

these short stories are from their mouths.  their thoughts.  their dreams.  their love.  their world.

–  a short time ago, chase found me in the kitchen and said…as if he had been pondering this all day…which is a lifetime for a child, “Mommy.  If Christopher Reeve was here – I’d tell him about Jesus.”

–  aiden was quietly and diligently coloring at the table in the school room, where she had been for a while.  i went in to quickly check on her progress and without pausing her soft strokes of crayon or looking up from her picture she asks, “Can I send something to Heaven?  Like mail it?  There’s something I’d like to send Grandpa.”

–  as i tucked chase in the other night, i took his face in my hands and pat his soft, smooth cheek.  he paused in thought and deliberately asked, “Mom…do I need to shave?”  i smiled and replied, “Not just yet.”  then he knowingly said, “Yeah…maybe when I’m 12.”

–  i cracked aiden’s door to see her lamp on…softly lighting her little girl room.  she was snuggled in bed…looking my direction…as if she had been waiting for me.  i walked to her and kissed her forehead goodnight.  i noticed that her beloved bear, hershey, wasn’t tucked in with her.  she whispered, “Mom…I need Hershey.”  i asked, “Where is she?”  aiden answered, “Downstairs.  On the short couch with only 2 cushions.”  i said, “I will bring her up to you, but it won’t be until after I take a bath.  Ok?”  aiden asked, “How many minutes will that be?”  I replied, “ummmmm…about 20.”  She pops up, wide-eyed and loudly wonders, “20 minutes!!!!  are you gonna play?”  no honey…i don’t usually play with the bath toys when i take a bath.  but i appreciate your willingness to share. 

never did i think, for a second that anyone other than my friends and family, who know me…who really know me… would read my blog post yesterday.  not that i mind who reads it.  i’m a smart cookie.  i know that when you put something online…you have to be okay with EVERYONE seeing it.  and i always ask myself, before i post anything…whether about me, someone else, and especially my kids…”am i ok if this ended up on fox news?”  so…obviously when i asked for prayer on my blog yesterday, i wasn’t trying to hide.  however…it is quite interesting that instead of the average 16 people who read my blog on a daily basis…it’s been close to 100 over the last 24 hours.  hmmmm.  interesting.  thanks to all those who made my blog a forward.  that’s always super.

let’s clear something up for those of you that don’t really know me…because i am getting a good sense of your concern.

am i happy?  YES

do i love life?  YES

do i love my husband?  YES

do i love being a mom?  YES

do i adore my children?  YES

do I think i’m a good mom?  YES

do i laugh a lot?  YES

do i battle obsessive compulsive disorder?  YES

have i every day for most of my life?  YES

will i always?  I DON’T KNOW

do i believe God will heal me?  HE CAN IF IT IS WHAT HE WANTS

do i feel beaten down sometimes and get tired of being scared of door knobs?  YOU BET YA

do i hope to not be scared of getting sick someday?  ABSOLUTELY

am i ok if OCD never goes away and i have to fight it the rest of my life?  YES

am i struggling with the death of my grandpa?  YES

does missing him make me sad?  YES

did pure exhaustion from the months before he died up until the funeral was over take a toll?  YES

was i already exhausted from having 4 sick kids and the holidays to deal with as well?  YES

did all that stress and being physically down make it harder to battle the OCD every day?  YES

do i sometimes feel like giving up (on fighting OCD…not life)?  YES

will i give up fighting OCD…which would mean forcing the kids to live in a bubble?  NO

did i want my friends and family to pray for me to specifically get stronger physically?  YES

do i want to feel good and not be scared of stuff that is out of my control?  YES

do i trust God has not left me?  YES

is it a battle to go to places where i know the kids and myself could get sick?  A SERIOUS BATTLE

do i win the battle?  MOST OF THE TIME

am i ok?  YES

like i said…it’s been a rough month.  not just for me, but for my entire family.  please understand that and have grace for me regarding a blog post where i was asking my friends and family to pray for me.  it’s not something i normally do.

it’s been a rough month.  i’ve never asked for prayer from blog readers.  (i don’t think.)  however, i think that i have always been transparent and authentic.  so, although this blog post was supposed to be a few quotes from the kids, “it’s been a rough month” blurted out before i could stop it.  i am asking that if you are the praying kind…will you please pray for me?

as of last night, my number one prayer right now is that i will feel good.  it has been a really looonnnng time since i could say that i felt good physically.  truthfully, a lot of my physical issues are a result of anxiety and emotional stuff.  i am to the point now, that i don’t feel like i will be able to continue to fight those strong holds in my life (and i’ve been fighting them since 7th grade…and i don’t even want to do the math to know how many years i have allowed joy to be stolen from me due to OCD related fear and anxiety) unless i can feel good.  to me, that seems to be a pretty simple request.  most people feel good, i think.  most people wake up…go to their work place, take care of their kids, volunteer their services at school, go to lunch, go shopping, do housework, sign their kids up for soccer, etc, etc, etc.  i wake up wondering if i am going to feel queasy, feel dizzy, have diarrhea, be tired, feel sad, be able to eat, or have any energy.  this is not normal.  i know this is not normal.  i have gone to doctors, i have self-talked, i have prayed, i have tried to force myself to keep going, and rebuked satan himself.  and lately, if i’m honest, i have given up.  i lay on the couch, and do just enough to get by.  i have basically isolated myself.  i don’t want to leave the house.  i don’t want to eat.  i don’t want to do anything, other than stay in the safety of my own environment, so that if i don’t feel good…i am secure and……..safe, i guess. and i don’t have to worry about what “could happen” out there.  i don’t have to clean the cart or go through another bottle of hand gel, or tell annslee not to touch something, or worry about what would happen if i got sick. don’t get me wrong…over the years, i have gone in and out of being strong enough to fight it.  sometimes, it is almost dormant and i feel (dare i say) “normal”.  and at other times, it is gripping.  last week, i thought it was better and then this week, i have struggled.  none-the-less…i don’t want to live this way anymore.  i can’t live this way anymore.  

it is a huge risk to type the truth.  it is an even bigger risk to publish it.  but, at this point, what do i have to lose?  will you consider praying for me?  it makes me cry to even type that.  maybe because i’m scared no one will or it won’t work.  maybe i’m scared you will think bad of me.  maybe i’m scared that i will appear weak or crazy or wrong.  maybe i’m scared you will feel sorry for my poor husband and kids and think i’m a horrible wife and mom.  if you think those things…there is nothing i can do about it.  but if you want to help me…i think i may feel stronger.  just because i know you care.  maybe it will feel like hope.

i went running a few days ago.  i’m just now recovering.  it didn’t start out as a run.  chad came through the door and somehow knew that he needed to take over homework duty right away.  thankfully.  i don’t know what i was thinking…other than that i hadn’t been out of the house in a couple of days (other than to pick the kids up from school…which doesn’t really count) and i wanted to feel this cold snap everyone was talking about.  so…i dusted off my nikes and told chad to hold down the fort…that i was going for a little walk around the block.  he said, “good for you.”  which i thought was peculiar at the time, and i’m still not sure exactly what he meant.  i think it was in reference to my lack of physical activity lately.  and by lately…i mean the last 10 years or so.  anyway…i grabbed the ipod and hit the sidewalk.  because i used to be a runner, i guess it felt weird to just be walking.  so i started to jog.  i made a goal for myself to make it to the end of the street without stopping.  and when i got to the end of the street, i decided to try to make it until the end of the block.  and when i made it to the end of the block, i decided to try to make it around the block and to the park.  when i got to the crossing to get to the park, a car was coming and i had to stop.  which was a good thing…because my everything was starting to hurt.  even my uterus.  i thought, “dear God…i’ve bounced my tired, ole, worn out uterus to the point of rupturing or something.”  i ran/walked the rest of the way home.  when i rounded the corner for home…i felt really good.  i had run 80 % of the time…and i was pretty proud of myself.  i knocked on the front door and waiting for someone to let me in.  at that point…i wasn’t feeling so good anymore.  my ears where freezing, my lungs started burning, my shins hurt, my uterus was still cussing at me, and i started feeling a little pass outish.  i all but fell in the door when chase opened it.  chad looked at me…non impressed.   i sat in the foyer…leaning against the wall and tried to breath slowly while chad went back to chase’s math homework.  i could have died…to the sound of second grade word problems. it could be a while before i do that again.  now that i think about it…inside the house is a great place to be.

#51  the little blue box (tiffany’s)

#52  a good doctor

#53  pretty jewelry

#54  tea with mom

#55  buying birthday presents

#56  a baby’s first steps alone on wobbly legs

#57  open mouth smiles

#58  chase’s dimples

#59  kids trying to wink

#60  validation

#61  a fire in the fireplace

#62  husbands graciously taking over in the evenings when they sense their love needs a break

#63  a listening ear

#64  telling it like it is

#65  gentleness

#66  humility

#67  science fair projects

#68  wise council

#69  getting lost in the pages of a good book

#70  the new people magazine

#71  a hot meal

#72  the smell of a baby freshly bathed

#73  cracker barrel rocking chairs

#74  big front porches

#75   jacks  (the game)

#76  a good pair of jeans

#77  the smell of a man wearing cologne

#78  the number 8

#79  sesame street

#80  dinner and a movie

i told you i would post what i wrote and read at grandpa’s funeral.  i guess i needed some time.  it’s important to me that you know him a little better and grasp a little bit of how great he was and why we love and miss him so much.  here he is.  grandpa…a man unlike any other.

i realized a few days ago that i couldn’t always tell them “NO.”  i feel like i say no way more than i say yes.  and let’s face it…”YES” is way more fun.  for the kids and the parents, really. 

this time last year, colton was friends with a kid in his class who invited colton and another kid to go to the monster truck show at reliant stadium for the kid’s birthday.  when i got the call from the mom, whom i didn’t know at all, she said that her husband, whom i didn’t know even more, was going to pick up the boys, take them to buffalo wild wings and then on to the truck show.  i hem hawed around…trying to quickly come up with a reason that colton couldn’t go.  when i couldn’t think on my feet fast enough, i resorted to the ole’ “let me talk to my husband and get back to you.”  chad wasn’t exactly comfortable with it either…and he usually lives by the “what could go wrong” motto.  so, we decided that colton could go, but only if chad went along too.  it needs to be said that reliant stadium is all the way across town…not just up the street.

so they went, and it was fine.

a few days ago, the dad contacted chad and said that they were doing the same thing again this year.  huuuuuhhhhhhh.  (that’s a long sigh.)  anyway, i said to chad…”here’s the deal.  i know we can’t always tell them no and that colton is almost 10 years old and in fourth grade and we have to loosen the grips a little and let him do some stuff with his friends, but i’m gonna have to rely on your good judgement and gut feel, because my gut feel is always fear and what if.  so, i will go along with whatever you think here.”  chad said he felt fine with it…so that was that.  we did get an extra, simple cell phone added to our plan that is to serve as our home line.  it is always plugged into the kitchen wall and it is super simple so the kids know just how to use it if they ever needed to.  also, they can give that number to their friends, etc.  the plus is that colt could take that phone with him tonight.  he has already called to check in once.  God love him.

chad was not here when the dad came to pick up colt tonight…so i got to make a fool out of myself alone.  my deal was…that i needed to tell him that we didn’t want any drinking.  it was uncomfortable to say…but i just had to bite the bullet and say it.  when i did, he looked at me weird and said, “oh no…they won’t be drinking.”  i said, “no…you.”  that was a stellar moment.

about 10 minutes after they left, i got a call from the dad saying that buffalo wild wings was packed and he wondered if we were ok with him taking the boys to hooters.  i was at a total loss for words…but finally choked out, “ummm…we are not really comfortable with the kids being there.”  he said ok, and that he would find somewhere else.  i hung up having that feeling from jr. high…when i felt like i was a huge dork and that people probably thought i was the biggest nerd ever.  but then i decided that i didn’t care if he thought i was a dork or a nerd or different than everybody else.  i am different.  i love Jesus…and i want to protect my kids from things they are not ready for…and if that makes me a dork…so be it. 

i’ve come a long way since jr. high.  sometimes, anyway.

so, here i sit…waiting for our pizza to arrive.  and waiting for colton to call me again after he gets to the stadium and seated…and counting the minutes until he runs up the front walk and into the safety of our home…where i know he is protected and secure.  he’s lucky the monster truck show isn’t closer…or i may be dressed in camo, hiding out with binoculars a few rows back!  geeesh….how will i be able to take the dating years????

the pizza just arrived and it was brought to us by a young 16 or so kid.  i wonder how his mother handles it?

today i put makeup on for the first time since grandpa’s funeral.  i think chad was starting to wonder if i was ever going to look any different than when i go to bed at night.  and trust me…it’s not a good look.  it’s true.  i’ve been in either sweats or pajamas, with my nappy hair in a bun, and a naked face for a week.  watching the people’s choice awards tonight is making me feel like a real winner.  which brings me to a point.  how many award shows do these people need to pat themselves on the back?  and how could i win one myself?  you don’t see doctors or teachers or moms, for that matter, getting crap like that.  and i think we should.  i think i’ll gather all my little mom friends and travel somewhere cool, rent a beautiful theater, dress in millions of dollars worth of gowns and diamonds, get our hair and makeup done, get all kinds of free stuff, give ourselves super expensive crystal or golden trophies, and then give speeches about how great we are.  i think i should be up for the “winner of the mom of the most children award” as well as “best supporting mom from the rocking chair while trying to keep a baby in on multiple months of bedrest”.  or possibly…”winner of the being able to get 4 kids and myself dressed and hair done in 14 minutes flat with a crying baby hanging off my hip award.”  those are just some suggestions.  i’m not totally settled on what i should be awarded for. 

that was a tangent, if i’ve ever been on one. 

today was good.  like i said, i got dressed, put makeup on, and ventured out of the house for the first time this year.  my mom came to watch aj so that i could go to the store to get some groceries.  i didn’t bring my “a” game or anything.  i didn’t even have a list.  but i had not been grocery shopping since before christmas.  we were starting to live off of dried, stale cereal.  it was not good.  a friend called and wanted me to stop by on my way to the store because she had something for me.  instead of a sympathy card, that she knew would just depress me and make me cry, she gave me a ponytail holder (she knows i like my bird’s nest buns!!) with a silver heart on it.  it was the perfect gift.  i love friends that know what you need.  thanks g.

i actually fixed something for dinner…which is not really important.  other than to let you know that we are not living on fast food, lest you were concerned. 

supposedly, we are going to have an arctic blast at the end of this week.  i’ll believe that when i see it.

here’s to getting out of sweats, putting on a little lip gloss, groceries, and a dressing up of my nappy hair.

happy wednesday.  (and by happy…i mean, a day without tearing.  i think.)