our neighbors moved last week.  the couple that bought the house are from Venezuela.  they have lived in the U.S. for 5 years and wanted to be in this school district, so they moved from deer park to the house next door.  we saw them for the first time late one evening when they had come over to check on things in the house before the movers moved them in that coming weekend.  i told them that i wanted to make them dinner as soon as they got moved in.  they seemed appreciative and we settled on monday……tonight. 

so…i waited for annslee to wake up from her nap and ended up dragging all four kids to target to get the groceries.  let’s not even discuss how the huge TV (that my parents handed down to us) that was in the back of the suburban fell out when i went to get the stroller out.  nor how i lifted it back in.  nor my pulled back muscles. 

i have gotten off track. 

we were rushing around target like crazy people…trying to get everything we needed for turkey chili frito pie, corn bread, and cinnamon cream cheese squares for dessert…plus all the stuff we needed for our upcoming trip to iowa and south carolina.  my goal was to get dinner done and to them by 6:30 and it was 5:25 as we entered the check out line. 

i had spent the weekend doing all of our laundry…which was probably 10, or so, big loads.  as it came out of the dryer…i piled it in laundry baskets which i then emptied out on the living room floor today.  my plan was to fold it all tonight after the kids were in bed.  so…when we came in from target…we flew in the house and i started cooking right away.  groceries were everywhere.  kids were everywhere.  laundry was everywhere.  grocery sacks that had turned into children’s art projects were cut up and colored on and were everywhere.  after i got the corn bread in the oven and the chili simmering, i ran to the neighbors and let them know that dinner was almost ready and that i’d bring it in over in about 15 minutes or so.  she looked at her watch and said, “is 30 minutes okay?  melvin is not home yet.”  i thought that the response was kind of weird, but shrugged it off and thought that maybe she wasn’t comfortable with me bringing it over without her husband there because his english is better.  i said, “sure.  no problem.  i’ll have it here in 30 minutes.”

i came home, and continued getting everything ready, and packed up in tupperware.  annslee had become rather fussy, so i decided that tonight would be the time to let her go ahead and feed herself.  i took her clothes off of her, tucked her into her highchair, and gave her the bowl of chili, cheese, frito chips, sour cream and a spoon and told her to go at it.  she was thrilled!  some of it made it into her mouth.  i think.  she looked like she had used chili to gel her hair into a nice, spiky do like her brother’s. 

after the neighbor’s dinner was all packed up and ready to go, i called chad and the kids to the table to eat.  they started eating and colton helped me carry the neighbor’s food out the backdoor and across the side yard to their backdoor.  they didn’t answer.  “hmmmm?  that’s weird.  and my hand is getting really hot from the chili.”  chase appeared in the driveway and said, “mom…the neighbors are in our house.”

what? 

i hurried back in the back door, and they were in the front foyer with chad.  she was dressed in a nice, silk blouse; designer jeans with heels…holding a pie for us.  their 2 year old was neatly dressed, with his hair perfectly gelled into that cute little boy do and the dad was dressed for the country club.  they had arrived for the dinner party.

boy, were they in for a treat.  i guess there is something to be said for being authentic.  an authentic clarkson household is what they got…

you may think that i don’t realize that i am entirely too old for such ridiculous reindeer games…but i do.  i swear it. 

last night the new kids on the block were in concert here and i wasn’t there.  this is probably the only new kids on the block concert that i have missed since i was, like, 12…except for one, when i was out of town.  oh, my friend and i were going to go…but when i went to purchase the tickets, the cheapest one i could find was $70.  and that didn’t include all the tax, handling, and the “you-30-some-odd-middle-aged-crazy-girl-clearly-trying-to-re-live-some-childhood-dream-so-therefore-will-pay-with-your-oldest-child’s-college-savings-just-to-see-these-boys-from-a-view-that-needs-binoculars’ fees.  so…it was going to end up costing around 85 big ones just to get in the doors.  that didn’t include dinner, drinks, and parking. 

so.  we didn’t go.

i just can’t believe i said that.

but i just couldn’t do it.  i was needing a dress to wear to a wedding this summer.  and the new, black, cowgirl boots to go with it, because…duh…my brown ones don’t match.  and we are headed all over the U.S. here in a couple of weeks for, like, a month and a half of vacations and i know i will find some “must-haves” on this one.   plus…we just made some serious upgrades to the house.  plus, i got that proactive face stuff i’d been wanting.  so…i just sort of thought, “wait a second here!  i have spent a ginormous amount of money on these fellows, and what have they actually done for me?  the way i figure it…they owe me.  i, single handedly kept their careers going in the early 90’s and i even let them call me “mindez” for years due to an unfortunate typo.  why should i pay this much to sit that far away?”  it really was like that moment in the movie father of the bride where george banks goes to the grocery store in a too-tight, 70’s tux and starts “removing the superfluous buns because some big shot over at the weeny company got with some big shot over at the bread company and decided to rip off the american public.”  there were only 8 hot dogs to a package and 10 buns to a package…so he removed the superfluous buns.  and got thrown in the slammer.  the point being…i’m not spending colt’s college fund on the new kids.

which reminds me…when i was still planning on going to the concert, one night i asked chad if he would get online and buy the new kids tickets for us.  the kids were in the room and aiden piped up, “WE ARE BUYING NEW KIDS????   BOYS OR GIRLS???”  example number 1 as to why it may be time to let go of the dream.

let me take this moment to just give my husband a big shout out for even tolerating all of this nonsensory.  remember babe…this unbridled passion is why you fell in love with me in the first place.  smile.

the ship has sailed.  i’m not going to marry joe and be mindy mcintyre and use one big M to write both names the way i signed all of my notes back in the day…and thank the sweet Lord, really.  i don’t really like the name “joe.”  i like “chad” way better.  they will never know how many concert t-shirts i have or how many times i have gone to see them.  they will never know how we talked my dad into spending all night in the grocery store parking lot where the tickets were going to go on sale the next morning, and how i slept in a gross grocery cart.  they will never know the money spent on teen bop magazine and other memorabilia.  they will never know that i have a trunk filled with all that stuff to show my kids some day up in the top of my closet.  they will never know that they got me through jr. high because i loved them and they never rejected me the way the other boys did.  i’m not going to meet them.  they will never know that i exist or that my bedroom walls were wallpapered with their faces.  joe will never know that i slept on his face because i had a joe mcintyre pillowcase.  they will never know that i honestly thought i was going to attend boston college so that i could meet them one day.  they will never know the number of hours that i spent daydreaming of our meeting, pining over them, and listening to their music or talking about them with girlfriends.  they will never know that the punishment that i remember most vividly from childhood is when my mom grounded me from watching their special on TV because i didn’t clean my room and how i sobbed until my eyes were swollen into little slits when i accidentally hung up when i was the 9th caller because i thought that i wasn’t the winning caller on the radio station backstage pass give away and then the radio station said that the 9th caller winner had hung up and they played it on the air…so my dad called back for me because i was so distraught and they said that there was nothing they could do about it and i knew then and there that i had blown my chance and that i was the dumbest girl in the world for not knowing that #9 was the winning number.  they will just never know.

oh well.

it’s time to let go.

so, instead of going to the concert last night, i hung out with my family.  and when 9:30 rolled around and i knew that they were probably on stage singing please don’t go girl, i sent the kids up to clean the playroom because i swear to you, if i have to pick up one more item of clothing and toys of theirs off the floor after i have already asked them to clean it up my head is going to start spinning around and pop off. 

maybe…just maybe…if i can get chad to agree…we will go with aiden’s way of thinking.  we will buy a new kid.  it’s a different way to live out my new kid dream, but way better.  don’t ya think?

so many post opportunities…so little time!  to say we have been busy is an understatement.  i can’t type fast enough to keep this blog updated!  the end of the school year came with parties that i was solely responsible for planning; blankets for their 3 teachers that i was mostly responsible for making; plays that my son was partly responsible for starring in; talent shows; poetry readings; more baseball games…the national league championship, thank you very much; graduation parties; sleep overs; celebration dinners; weddings; and a plethora of other most important events are just a few of the mentionable goings on around here.  so, it’s not shocking that the poor puddin cup and her sugar plum sister have killer summer colds.  their coughs sound horrible.  you know…the real chesty type.  i must confess…it’s been fun.  a blast, actually.

i will attempt to post a few of my favorite pictures, as my basketball loving boys are watching dallas catch the heat…hoopin and hollerin here in the living room.  they really are a good, little sound track to my “this is our life right now” post.  colt just yelled, “TAKE IT TO THE FREAKIN HOOP!”  okeedokee.  on to the proof of the extreme cuteness that surrounds me on a daily basis…

101.  popcorn

102.  little league

103.  goopy baby eyes

104.  dancing annslee

105.  freshly laundered blankets

106.  put your head on my shoulder (the song)

107.  sun kissed cheeks

108.  freshly bathed kids after a long, summer day of playing

109.  overtime

110.  slumber parties

111.  luaus

112.  a little girl in a flowy dress and a flower in her hair

113.  study groups

114.  a base hit

115.  visitors

116.  lemonade

117.  baby goats

118.  harry houdini

119.  chase’s poetry

120.  wrapping up

121.  homemade fleece blankets

122.  porch swings

123.  fire pits

124.  the word “menagerie”

125.  mexican food and margaritas

126.  celebrations

127.  healthy food

128.  powdered donuts

129.  new york

130.  bright coral toe nail polish that makes your feet look tan

it’s become more than a normal worry.  i had a feeling it would.  i can see an obsessive compulsion a mile away.  even if it is coming from a 5 year old.

it all began with a question that she asked chad. 

“are strangers real?”

he couldn’t lie to her and tell her no.  so he answered like any other parent would.  and that’s when it started.

i noticed that she was always checking to make sure the doors were locked.  i raised a red flag in my heart and began watching closely.  maybe…just maybe…it would not grab ahold of her and grip her like the ones that had made friends with me a long time ago.  before i knew what they were.

over the last several months, she has gone from checking every now and then to having a full-fledge compulsive behavior.  it’s no longer enough to be told that the doors are locked.  she has to see it for herself.  she can be upstairs…playing on the opposite side of the house with a friend and hear the door close behind her brother…who is just headed out to shoot hoops.  i can’t count to 5 before she comes flying down the stairs…runs past me…flips the lock…and shoots back upstairs to whatever it was she was doing.  i just stand there watching.  she’s not scared.  she is just doing what she has been told.  by her own mind.

i keep gently reassuring her that she is secure.  that daddy and i are careful and that we are here to protect her.  and furthermore…that she has Jesus, who is watching over her too.  but she just nods, and says, “i know.”  and she does know.  just like i knew that no matter how many times i switched the light on and off…it would not control whether or not i would get sick.  but i did it anyway.  and she checks the locks.  anyway.

last night, after everyone was in bed and asleep, chad went outside to get something out of the car.  as he approached the car, he heard the lock quickly flip.  he ran to the back door window in time to see her bolting up the stairs.  she had heard the door and didn’t trust that we would lock it when we came back in.  this has gone too far.

i know what i have to do.  there is not a question in my mind.  i know what is making her have to do it.  and i also know how uncomfortable she is if she doesn’t.

tonight, i sat down with her and i told her that i undersood.  i told her that it was going to be ok.  i told her that she didn’t have to check the lock when her brain told her she had to…but that i undersood why she wanted to.  i also told her that it was a tricky thing sometimes…because afterall, sometimes you tell yourself that you are just being careful.  and smart.  like when i wash my hands all the time to protect myself from germs.  it’s just smart.  even the media says so.  but deep inside…you know that it’s not just you being smart.  it is something that has control of you.  it is something more.

i asked her if she would agree to come and tell me everytime she felt like she needed to check the doors.  i asked her to tell me before she did it, so that we could talk about it together.  she said that she would.

about 15 minutes later, chad and chase left for cubscouts.  i waited.  she came to me and asked, “can i check the door?”  i said, “i heard daddy lock it.”  she said, “ok.”  and then a minute later…she said, “can i check it just to make sure?”  it was not a surprise.  i know this monster well.  i am familiar with it.  and i refuse to let it take my daughter.  i said, “we are going to wait 10 minutes before we check it.  is that ok?”  she said, “yes.”  i distracted her with dinner and conversation…hoping she could last the 10 minutes.  she did.  she lasted 15 before she asked if she could check it again.  i let her.  she did really good with her first go-round with cognitive behavioral therapy.  and fighting the monster.

i can honestly say that i am thankful for my battle with OCD.  see…i’m much more aware of the enemy and how to fight it.  i will continue to fight it for myself.  and i will stand in front of my daughter and fight it for her when she can’t do it on her own.  and i will train her to fight for herself.
it won’t win.

i can promise you that.