The last time I wrote from this desk…I was so content and happy.  I felt like I had the world on a string.  I don’t know why my brain remembers things like that.  I remember that the pumpkin candle was flickering, the lamp was shining a soft glow on my screen, and my coffee was sending little smoke tendrils into the air and providing warmth and awakening with every sip.

Tonight, the candle is burned down to nothing and no longer flickers…and has left an unsightly, black coat of soot all over the jar.  It sits…un-lit…un-smelling…and un-inviting.  The lamp light sparked and burned out as soon as I turned the switch…leaving my desk dark, depressing, and sort-of lonely feeling.  I do have a nice glass of cabernet next to me…doing what little it can to warm my emotions. 

The last time I was here…I thought we were getting Maeve.

I did sit here earlier this morning…doing my best to navigate the Texas Department of Public Safety website.  I had to sign us up and make an appointment for us to have our fingerprints and criminal background check completed before we can have our homestudy done.

That’s news, I suppose.  After Chad’s physically exhausting and emotional trip to Ukraine…he came home and slept.  On the plane to New York…in-between ds games and magazine articles about important things like the Kardashian wedding…we had “the talk.”  I will always remember this talk, I should think.  It was when Chad told me that we could go ahead and formally start the adoption process.  He said that he knew it was a passion and dream of mine and that he would do what he needed to in order to help me fulfill that.  Now…that man?  Well…he’s is a good and Godly man, that one.

So this week, we mailed off the first official documents to Austin and made appointments to get our background check.  It’s a start.  I find myself crossing my fingers and thinking exactly like I did each time I was newly pregnant.  “Please let this result in a healthy baby in 9 months or so.”

In case you were thinking that we were having super, exciting days…let this be a little insight to our not-so-exciting-leaving-something-to-be-desired-in-the-crafting-baking-playing house-i’m-the-freaking-best-mom-in-the-world routine:

This would be during the 9:00-10:00 morning hour where AJ actually sits still long enough to watch something on TV.  Thank the Lord that she has figured out how attractive and personable Elmo is.  Sesame Street was my favorite show when I was little…and has become my favorite show again.  For different reasons, of course.  I no longer dream of being best friends with Big Bird.  On some mornings…like this one…I just dream.

This morning…during the hour of power…I dealt with adoption stuff first and then used the last 15 minutes as a chance to sit on the couch and read The Hunger Games.  I’m addicted.  I just finished The Help and was concerned I wouldn’t find something that I liked as much.  Not a problem.  This book is so good, I tuck it in my purse and sneak it out every time I have even the tiniest of a spare minute.

My friend, G, did pop over toward the end of Sesame and she caught me in my pj’s…reading on the couch.  Literally.  She poked her head in the already cracked front door and said my name.  I was ashamed at the state she had found us in for a split second.  What……with my poor darlin squatting in front of the TV while her pj wearin’ mother had her nose in a book on the couch at 10 am.  And then I remembered how she wouldn’t ever care and would never even think to judge.  We all just need friends like that.  She has kids.  She knows the importance of the hour of power.

Then we lunched with my mom, dad and grandmother.  (It’s a rough life.)  We went to the most wonderful find of a restaurant called Magnolias.  It is in clear lake.  Whoa.  One avocado sandwich and key lime bar later…I’m hooked. 

I’ll leave you with a little thing I’m calling…

Things I never thought I’d say Thursdays
(these are actual sentences that came out of my mouth)

“Chase.  Stop licking the bowl of mustard.”

“Aiden!  Stop!!  You are spilling the hair.”

and

“Absolutely NO SLING-SHOTTING YOUR SISTER!!!!”

********

The puddin cup turns the big 2 on Saturday. 

Here’s to a weekend and a little girl worth celebrating!!

This weekend, I decided to unplug a little.  It wasn’t really a conscience decision…but something that came more out of the sheer desire to be totally plugged into the kids, my family, the birthday boy, and our home.  It has been a while since I let go of the self induced pressure to create, capture, and record every single special moment in our lives and let myself just be a part of it.

On Friday…the day the boy turned 9…I took cupcakes up to the school for him to share with his class.  I also took him Wendy’s for lunch…complete with a frosty and everything.  I sat with him at lunch and listened to him rattle on about his day through small bites of plain hamburger with mustard and sips of frosty.

I felt…satisfied. 

I…a self proclaimed perfectionist often struggle with…just…being.  I don’t know any other way of putting it.  I am constantly trying to create the perfect memory, capture the perfect picture, pre-write the perfect blog of celebration, and make every one’s dreams come true.  I usually don’t let myself settle in to just enjoying the moment.  I’m too busy trying to create it.  But on this day…I didn’t.  and it felt good.

On this day…I just celebrated the perfect kid.

This is a story about something strange that happened on the New York subway.  Luckily…on this day…Chad was with us. 

We got on the subway that would take us all the way to staten island.  We were going to visit the Statue of Liberty on our last day in New York.  Now, there are many unique people in New York, to say the least.  But most of them harmless.  There are some crazies…sure.  But most are not out to make you feel uncomfortable or in danger.  Especially at 10:00 in the morning, on the subway.

We boarded the train and Chase and I sat down in two seats that were available on the right of the open door side.  Chad stood to our right in the isle, gripping that nasty pole running down both sides of the ceiling.  We smiled, and chatted, and laughed, and Chase (true to form) grabbed my phone to play angry birds to help pass the time.

That’s when I noticed a man sitting directly across from me.  I’m terrible at guessing ages…but I’m thinking he was probably in his late 50’s/early 60’s.  He looked totally normal.  Like he could be a grandpa.  And to further display his normal-ness…there where two perfectly pleasant and age appropriate women sitting next to him.  They had maps and he had a camera around his neck…no different than 50% of the people in the city.  No different than us.

However, something about this man made me instantly uncomfortable.  It was the way the camera was positioned in his lap and the way his left hand caressed it and easily pointed it in my direction.  His right hand was the give away though.  It was in his jacket pocket…casually resting on the right top of the camera…right on the shutter button.  The subway was filled with people…going about their everyday business…and no one else seemed to notice this.  This is when you can start feeling like you are crazy.  That you are making a big to do about absolutely nothing, and that you are silently drumming up a crazy situation in your head that is sure to be a subconscious memory of some wacky scene you saw in a movie somewhere.  But you watch, and you wonder and you question anyway. 

The point that I remember most was when I looked directly at the camera lens and then directly into the man’s eyes.  He stared me in the eyes…made no expression…and I knew.  I knew that this guy was taking my picture…over and over again.  And I sat there, helplessly.  I found myself starting to try and hide my face and then realizing that I couldn’t hide my whole body the way I instinctively wanted to and then began to worry that he was taking pictures of my son…innocently sitting next to me.  I looked at Chad.  I looked at Chase.  I looked at the guy and then at the ladies sitting next to him.  My eyes flashed to the other people in the train…back to the guy…back to Chase…and then back to Chad.  The way I looked at Chad made him lean toward me and say, “What?”  I moved my head so that the man could not see me and mouthed, “He is taking pictures of me.”  Chad looked confused and said, “What???”  I said it again and
Chad stood up and casually looked over at him.  He looked back at me and kinda frowed that, “No he’s not” frown and shook his head no.  He didn’t believe me!  Am I going crazy?  I quickly and adamantly said, “Yes.  He.  Is.”  Chad looked back and began to watch.  He still wasn’t sure.

There was a man standing across from me…sort of positioned next to the man with the camera.  I watched him casually lean back and look at the picture window on the camera.  I held my breath and thought…he will see it…surely he will see it.  And then he looked up at me and smiled.  Not a weird smile, but a comforting one.  A familiar one.  He was telling me.

I looked at Chad and nodded in his direction.  I said, “he saw.”  Chad looked at the man standing and made eye contact.  The man cut his eyes down to the camera and then nodded at me…all while silently speaking loudly and deliberately to Chad.  I got chills.

Without another second going by, Chad leaned down in the man’s face and said forcefully, “Excuse me.  Are you taking pictures of my wife?”  He said, “No.”  Chad said, “Let me see the the last few pictures you have taken on your camera.”  He said, “I’m not showing you my camera.”  Through this brief exchange…he was quickly deleting, while holding the camera close to his body.  Chad said, “You show me the pictures or I will get security in here right now.”  He got flustered and Chad looked at the women and said, “Are you both with him?”  They nodded and Chad continued, “Do you know what he is doing with these?”  They blankly said, “No” and shook their heads and looked at him and back at Chad.  That’s when the man began apologizing and saying that he was a tourist and that it was just a hobby and for enjoyment.  Chad said, “You will delete every picture of my wife off of your camera” and the man nodded yes and apologized some more.  Then he looked at me and apologized.  He just kept deleting picture after picture…not letting Chad see what he was deleting.  I was frozen.  The man that had been standing, looked at me and said, “It’s good that your husband said something to him” as he stepped off the train that had stopped.  It made me wonder what images of me he had seen in the picture window.  Then the guy stood up and the women stood up and they quickly got off the train.

I looked at Chad in disbelief.  I looked around at everyone staring at us.  I looked at Chase.

He was still playing angry birds.

I learned to trust my instincts………and my husband’s protection.

first, i wanted to say thank you to all of you who have sent comments, e-mails, and texts of encouragement.  i can honestly say that i have read every one and that they have lifted my spirit in ways that only Jesus, himself, could.  because make no mistake…you were all Jesus to me over the last several days.  i could almost picture Him sitting with me on the couch…with His arm around me…telling me it would all be ok.  to trust Him. 

so i am.

but…my grandmother and a little retail therapy doesn’t hurt either.  honey came to stay with me for a couple of days…as she often does when chad is out of town.  we had a good time.  there is just something about a grandmother that is comforting.  (at least, my grandmother.)

i went to get her on wednesday, and we spent the afternoon at mom and dad’s, where we had lunch and good conversation.  it was there that the e-mail from chad finally came in.  he had visited the orphanage and got to hold maeve.  he was able to send me a short video of the orphanage worker handing her to him and it was all i could do to not completely crumble.  there was something untangibly and unexplainably sweet about watching my husband take her into his arms.  i know this sounds strange…but it brought up more love and emotion in me than watching him hold each of our own, little darlins for the first time.  that must sound really weird.  but i can’t deny it either.  i remember what he was wearing and how her little legs stayed up under her as the nurse passed her to him.  i remember the little squeak she made as he got her comfortably cradled.  and i remember the way he smiled at her and the way her talked to her.  it was about 20 seconds of heaven, is what it was.  i do long to have that feeling again…with a babe that is meant to be ours.

they allowed him to take pictures of the inside and outside of the orphanage.  it was so reassuring to see how nice that orphanage was.  afterall…it was were our girl has lived since she was born.

it’s weird how i still think of her as “our girl.”  i think a part of me always will.

oh how i hope that her grandmother teaches her about Jesus so that we will be united in heaven some day.  i will pray for that forever.

The next day, we went shopping.  I am lucky enough to come from a very long line of good shoppers.  mom is someone to be reckoned with.  even i can’t always hang with her.  i found some serious cuteness for aiden at forever 21.  who knew they had a little girl’s section?  you have to sift through it to find stuff that looks young enough…but when you do…great prices and super cute!  and i’m picky.

to my dearest colton, chase, aiden, and annslee,

i know i have to write this.  i’ve known since i found out yesterday, but the words just haven’t come as freely as the tears.  i know i told you last night that we had reason to celebrate…and i saw in your eyes that you knew that i was right, but that it was just as hard for you to celebrate as it was me.  it all started on september 1st.  just 13 days ago.

for the last 6 months, i have been quietly feeling the desire for our family to adopt a baby with down’s syndrome.  we have all talked about adopting a child for years now…seamlessly weaving the topic in and out of casual conversation on a regular basis.  but in the last year, my heart began listening to God and accepting what it was that i thought He was asking us to do…all the while knowing the potential impact on our family.  as i became more certain, i casually would bring it up.  maybe you remember?

a couple of weeks ago, your father and i tucked you all in and settled on the couch with the company of the tv and the laptop.  after a while, i asked him if we could talk.  and talk, we did.  i told him that i was certain that the Lord had grown a desire and passion in me to adopt a baby with down’s syndrome.  he not only listened to my heart…but her heard me.  like, really heard me.  he said that his heart was open to it.  he had been thinking about it too.  so we left it that i would call around the next day to just check into things.

i confided in a friend.  she was supportive and gracious.  it’s important to have friends like that.  they are the ones who say, “i think your family would be amazing for that special child.  what can i do to help”, when everyone else, God love em, is saying, “what????  are you crazy??”  that friend gave me the contact to an agency and then remembered hearing her friend talk about a girl who had adopted a baby with down’s syndrome.  she said that she would contact her friend and see if she could get the person’s name and number for me.  “she may be a good person to talk to,” she said.

i ended up calling this girl on september 1st, just after i had put annslee down for a nap.  we had a lovely conversation and i felt comfortable immediately.  we breezed right on passed how i got her name and number and settled into a relaxing conversation about how God breaths a dream in your heart and how amazing it is to watch it come to fruition.  she told me her story.  she told me of her children.  she told me of her adoption and how it all came about.  she spoke my deepest desire out loud…that God would drop the baby in our laps if it is what we are to do so that we have no doubts.  she had actually prayed that!!  the prayer that i wanted to pray but was too scared to on account of it being “selfish” and “immature.”  always remember that God wants to hear your whole heart…not just the parts of it that seem appropriate.  He already knows it anyways!!  at some point in the conversation we realized that she and her husband know your dad.  can you believe that?  of anyone i could have called in the state, i called someone who’s husband happened to be a church planter and they had met with your dad as they were planting 5 years ago.  amazing.  she told me to check out a website that specifically helps find children with down’s syndrome adoptive homes.  so i did.

i found a little girl named maeve.  the website was very protective of the orphans…so i had no idea where she was in this big world.  all i knew about her was that she was 3 months younger than annslee, she had down’s syndrome but was otherwise healthy, and that she lived in orphanage 31.  i put the computer aside and went on with my day.  i picked you all up from school.  i made dinner.  i helped you with homework and signed your folders.  i bathed you girls and the boys showered.  i  tucked you in.  and then…once again…your dad and i retired to the couch.  would you even believe that he had his friend, the laptop with him and that i was, again on a date with the tv?  so, in the same position we were in when we had the first conversation…we talked about the website.  he logged on and i waited to see what he thought.  i didn’t say anything about maeve.  he scrolled through the pictures of children who were waiting to be adopted and stopped on maeve.  he read her profile out loud to me.  then we decided to e-mail the director and ask for more information about her…specifically where in the world orphanage 31 was.  he joked, “what if it’s in ukraine?”  i laughed and said, “if she’s in ukraine…i’ll sign the papers tomorrow!!”  daddy was leaving for ukraine 6 days from that night on a trip he had planned 6 months prior.  God would be “dropping her in our laps.”

the next morning, i checked my e-mail twice and had no response.  then daddy asked me if i had heard anything and i knew.  i knew that his heart was in it.  i know your father…and he would never had remembered to ask about it if he wasn’t in it.  at 9:45, i checked my e-mail again.  and there it was.  a sentence that changed our lives…

“Maeve is in Ukraine.”

the next two days were a whirlwind of God ordained events.  daddy came in contact with missionaries who knew where she was located and agreed to take him to see her.  he changed his travel arrangements to get to her by a 13 hour, overnight train ride.  i stepped back and watched him go after our girl.  and i began to see him falling for her.  i noticed small things…like the way he told his mom about her and the way he didn’t question the cost of the train and flight back.  i noticed the way he told people about her.  you know how private he is…and the fact that he was openly talking about this drew me to him in ways like never before.  i trusted him.  i trusted him with maeve.  and the best part was…we were on the same page!  i love that!  we were working as a team…hearts aligned with God’s and each others.  while daddy focused on the logistics, i called a social worker to set up the home study.  i also began dreaming about turning the movie room upstairs into her bedroom.  i wondered what her favorite color was.  i wondered if we needed to get another crib.  i wondered if she and annslee could share clothes. 

we talked to you kids on saturday morning.  we told you about her and showed you her picture.  aiden…you…in true aiden form began to tear up when you saw her and said that we “had to get her.”  chase…you…in true chase form said, “we kind of already have a lot of kids.”  we all laughed at your innocent way of speaking truth.  and colton…in true colton form, you said, “this is going to mean more work for me, isn’t it?”  we said, “yes.  it will.”  and you said, “ok.  if this is what God wants us to do…then we should do it.”  we felt like you all should have a voice.  we wanted you to be a part of this.  we also told you that we were following God every step of the way and that we were asking him to do what was best.  nothing was for sure.

over the next few days we watched you grow.  colton…you especially.  i will never forget our conversation after school one day, last week.

you said, “mom.  i told jonathan and christopher about maeve.”

i said, “you did?”

you said, “yeah.  i told them that she may be my sister.  and then i told them that she had down’s syndrome.  and i thought they would laugh.  but they didn’t.  they just said that that was really cool.  and mom…that made me feel really good about getting her.”

i turned away so that you wouldn’t see my tears.  i was so proud of you.

we continued to pray as a family for God’s wisdom.  we asked that He would do what is best for maeve and that he would guide us.  we asked for his peace over the situation and that he would help us to be certain that it was His will. 

i was pretty certain that maeve was going to be ours.  i was excited for dad to get to see her and hold her.  i imagined him whispering in her ear.  “hold on baby girl.  we are coming to bring you home.  and you have 4 brothers and sisters who can’t wait for you.  and you have grandparents and aunts and uncles and cousins who are waiting for you.  you are accepted.  you are wanted.  you are loved.”

i got an e-mail yesterday.

it simply read…

“Hi Mindy, the team has learned that Maeve’s grandmother is in the process of taking custody of her to bring her home.  Great news!”

and my heart broke.  i was so confused. 

you mean, she’s not ours?

all day i grieved. 

i kept telling myself, “this is what is best for her.  we prayed for what was best for her and the Lord has answered.  this is a day to rejoice that this sweet, precious child will always know she was wanted by her family.  this is a day to rejoice that she will no longer be in an orphanage.  this is a day to rejoice that she will be loved.  this is a day to rejoice.”

but all i wanted to do was cry. all i could focus on was that the Lord had answered my question.  See…for the last 2 weeks…instead of arguing with God about why He was asking us to do this…i was asking, “are we really who you have chosen for maeve? could we really be her family? could we really be that lucky?”  and his answer was, “no.”

we had lost maeve.

daddy had to board a train to visit the orphanage…knowing that he wasn’t going to see his daughter and i had to tell you guys when you got home from school.  i told you we had reason to celebrate.  but your eyes were as sad as mine.

but isn’t that just what a true family does?  they want the best for one of their members, even if she was only a member for a few days.  they look past their own desires to put the other’s best interests before themselves.  and that’s what we did. 

we loved her the best we could.  even though…she will never know how much.