i figure this is as good a way as any to put off cleaning the kitchen.  maybe i’ll type another tomorrow to put off that laundry that needs to be done.

annslee had her very first trip to the zoo on monday.  it was a preschool field trip of sorts.  i worked it out so that most of my preschool co op class could all go together…and i think everyone really had fun.  i’m gonna be real honest.  i’m not really a “zoo” kinda girl.  don’t get me wrong…i like animals and everything.  but…they don’t even have horses there.  and this is a fact that really bothered flicka as well.  the day before we went…i asked her,

“so annslee???  are you excited to go to the zoo tomorrow?”

annslee:  “no.”

me:  “but there will be animals there!!  that will be so exciting!!”

annslee (a little more excited):  “oh…ok.”

me:  “what animal are you most excited about seeing?”

annslee:  “the horses!!!!”

should have thought that one through.  so i told her that the zoo didn’t actually haaaaaave horses…but that they did have a koala!  and that’s super cool since i call you my little koala sometimes!

“yes!  i’m excited to see the koala!” she giggled.

guess which zoo got rid of their koala?

it’s ok.  she took rock star barbie with her and proceeded to sing taylor swift’s weEEEEEE are never ever ever getting back together through the entire giraffe, hippo, and primate habitat while holding rock star barbie’s microphone to her mouth.

“hey…rock star barbie…look at that thing that they are trying to tell me is a striped horse.”

 

“have you met rock start barbie?”

 

we did stumble upon some white tailed deer.  i found it interesting that no one else was excited about this.  they just passed right on by…barely even glancing their way.  there were no children who were standing by the railing to their pen.  there were no mom’s taking their picture. i heard someone even say,

“oh…that’s just a white tailed deer.”

like no big thing.

and i wanted to jump up and down and excitedly scream,

“THIS IS MY FAVORITE ANIMAL!!!!  I CAN’T BELIEVE THERE IS ONE LAYING RIGHT HERE IN FRONT OF ME!!!  AREN’T THEY THE MOST GRACEFUL THINGS IN THE WORLD???”

i sort of did do that.  but there was no one around to hear me except annslee.

 

and my girl was excited.

and just as i’m typing this…aiden walked up beside me and asked what these pictures were from.  i said, “the zoo.”  and she exclaimed, “YOU SAW A DEER!!!!”

that’s my girl.

 

i can only imagine “WHERE IS ROCK STAR BARBIE????” when i look at this picture.

 

i’ve sorta been thinking about why i’m not really a zoo person…and i don’t really have an answer.

i do know…that if you took me to a horse ranch…

where white tailed deer come out in the evening…

i would be hard pressed to contain my enchantment.

there have been more teary moments lately than usual.  i’m not sure of the problem.  or even if there is one.  sometimes…letting loose of emotion is a good thing.

tearing up over these moments:

my mom always sets out a bunny village for the easter season.  and i loooooved this thing.  and they do too.

mom gave the girls bunny aprons to help with some easter treats.

so….maybe i still love playing with this thing.

there are bunny tails on these aprons, for cryin out loud!  who wouldn’t be happy looking at those things?

as luck would have it…colt pulled that pesky molar out the day before easter.  so…obviously, the easter bunny and the tooth fairy met up that night.

they partied.

beautiful people.  beautiful moments.

the older i get…the faster things sneak up on me.

easter is tomorrow.  and as i ran around yesterday…knowing it was good friday…the day in history that Jesus gave up his life…i realized my tension.

 chad calls this my “yearly tutorial on egg dying.”  look at how intently colt is listening to my instructions on how not to slosh the egg dye.

yesterday was the day that i had time.  chad was home.  i could run around looking for swimsuits and goggles and chocolate eggs and those disgusting duck marshmallows to fill the kid’s baskets without my sweet, little tag alongs.  i mean…i realize that it’s not about the bunny…but i’m not ready to take that part of childhood magic away from my littles.  i still got a basket when i was in high school…God bless my mother…and it didn’t mean that i loved Jesus any less.

but…and here’s my big BUT…i realized that i am a person who needs…NEEDS…to be able to slow down my mind and truly focus all of my emotion on the things that are important.  for example…i can’t just breeze through a kid’s birthday.  i have to emotionally engage with the day…and feel everything it means…and create all kinds of details that will commemorate the experience.  so…spending good friday shopping for basket fillers felt…frustrating.

i, for one, am glad to see that he is taking this seriously.

i kept thinking…what could we do?  what could we do to feel the day…the weight of it…the importance…the gratitude?  in order to feel those things…i would have to let myself slow down and experience the grief of what He did.  i would have to go there.  and i can’t really go there in a target aisle.  and i find it hard to go there with a cluttered house…because my cluttered house is in direct correlation to my cluttered mind.

so…instead of going to the next store on my list…i headed home, in the hopes of an evening with my family.  maybe we could watch the Jesus film together.  maybe we could locate the bible episodes on demand.  maybe we could read the story together.  maybe we could go there together.

 colt was distracted all day by a big, ole’ molar that would not come out.

where we ended up going was a grand opening party of a friend’s business and taco cabana.

i’m not beating myself up about it.  but i am learning to recognize my distractions.  i am learning that each of our distractions come in disguise.  they are disguised in the most perfect and individual way.  it may be work for one.  it may be sports for another.  it may be a pesky tooth ache for that one.  and maybe…just maybe…it’s trying to make all their easter outfits coordinate perfectly for someone else.  i’m distracted by perfection.  the perfect easter activities for my preschoolers…the perfect dyed eggs…the perfect candy for the baskets…the perfect side dish and dessert to bring for easter dinner…the perfect bunnied, jammies to wear.  and yes…the perfect emotional reaction to the cross on good friday.  well played, satan.  well played.

so…today…i’m doing my best to say NO to all of my distractions.  today, i will read the story to my children.  today, i will go and get the food that i need to take to my parents…and view it as a way of serving them…and not making everything perfect in order to impress them.  today…i will love my kids and spend time with them and not for them.  after all…they won’t remember how much time i spent looking for the perfect pair of flip flops to go with their perfect pair of cargo shorts.

 she talks to her eggs…

 “hi little egg.”

have a lovely Easter weekend, friends…with as few distractions as possible.

my camera has stayed tucked in it’s drawer at my desk.  and my phone camera says it’s full and no longer has any room for the images of my life.  which is kinda ironic now that i think about it.  obviously my mind feels like my phone does.  full.  and that’s why i haven’t reached for my camera lately.  i even had a week of family love over spring break that i barely captured.  that’s the beach, st. patrick’s day, cousins, a night full of musical and dance numbers put on by my children and my nieces and nephew…and not more than a few pictures to show for it.

that’s very unlike me.

i’m trying to tell myself that it’s okay.  that i don’t have to always be memory making.  that my brain can just be.  that i can run around fixing microphones and playing dj and wardrobe change helper and duet side kick when my girl gets scared to sing her queen of hearts solo for our make shift grammys.  (because let’s face it…i’m never gonna turn down singing queen of hearts.)  and that i don’t also have to be responsible for being behind the camera to preserve every last detail.  i can just be in the moment.  living the moment.  doing the harlem shake in the background.

however…i’m a happier person when looking at life through my camera lens.  because…it’s then…that something seemingly “ordinary” becomes “EXTRAordinary.”  it’s then that i notice the details.

 case in point:  little sister looking at her big sister to see just exactly what it is she’s supposed to be doing…a moment that would have been lost without the lens.

 

witnessing their bond…walking and chatting…and imagining them doing the same thing as adults some day.  maybe they will be reminiscing about their childhood.  or maybe they will be talking about their own kids.  or maybe just walking in comfortable silence and the security that only a sibling can offer.

 

the lens helps me to remember how the wind blew our skirts as we walked.

 

and how they walked on ahead.

and how she held onto my arm.

and that lens points out how long her legs are getting …dangling from their home on my hip.

certainly i wouldn’t have remembered their game of rock, paper, scissor.

 

or the way that it made me smile when i noticed that his shirt matched my drink.

 

yes.  i realize how i’ve missed my lens.  i don’t like it when my mind tells my heart that there is not enough space for my life’s images.  and i guess that’s how i know that something has to change.  some priorities need to sway to the right while some others sway to the left…doing that familiar dance that they have to do when the music of life gets a little too loud.  i have to put a slow song on because lawd knows…this girl can hop onto the table during a good hip hop number and stay there one song too long.

i can see myself giving me the two eye brow raised evil eye…quick, but firm pointer finger signal to get off the table.

and i’m glad that i obey her.

because don’t you just know that a great slow song is coming on??  like put your head on my shoulder?  and thank God i’m off that table so that i can let those priorities do their slow dance and get themselves calmed down.  and when that beautiful song is over…all is right with the world again.

and i pick up my camera again.  and daily life resumes it’s magicalness.  and my brain has all kinds of room for my life’s images again.

they are prepping the kids for some big, state test this week at school.  this means that we are all being prepped.  not only am i being prepped on what kind of breakfast they need that morning, and what kind of brain sharpening snacks they need to bring on testing days, and how much sleep they need to get, and what kinds of clothing are most comfortable…but i’ve also become a writing tutor.

the packet comes home in the back pack…half done…and i am to sign it, assuring them that i have watched him or helped him finish it and that it is…indeed…up to snuff.

in this case…there was a lot of helping.

we went over the instructions.  i made certain that he understood the assignment.  and then i reminded him that “he didn’t have to be scared of writing…and that all writing was…was telling a story on paper.”  however, all the talk about paragraph indention, correct tense, and spelling counting and correct grammar usage had the boy in a word induced stupor.

when i thought that he was ready…i left him to work.  he wrote a short essay on the given subject “a goal for your life.”

ha.

a 10 year old boy writing an essay about a life goal.

his biggest goal tonight was getting desert after dinner.

anyhow…

he decided to write about becoming a famous piano player.

(i say…go for it, kid.)

when he was done, he brought it to me and said, “how’s this?  did i do good?”

as i read it, he resumed play elsewhere in the house…that “lofty famous piano player goal” the farthest thing from his mind.

after i read it…i put my head in my hands.

i may be a writer…but i’m not a teacher.  i don’t have the first clue how to teach a fourth grader how to write an essay.  we went back to the drawing board and i did the only thing i knew to do.  i flipped the paper over and told him to tell me the story while i wrote what he said.  i explained where he naturally started a new paragraph in his story…and showed him how to do that on the paper.  i told him how to conclude an essay with a sentence that wraps it all together.

he didn’t look so dejected after we did it that way.  however…it was no secret that i wouldn’t be there when test day came.

there’s a lot of pressure put on these kids with this test.  and i don’t think it’s fair.  fair may not be the right word here. i mean…there is that whole, starving children thing, that when speaking of what’s fair and not fair always enters my mind.  but you know what i mean.

and to the educational system that say they don’t make the test seem like a big deal to the kids…

here’s a tip…

when you order t-shirts for the whole school faculty to wear on the test days…

it’s kinda sending the message that it’s a big deal.

my kid’s not stupid.

and he doesn’t need that kind of pressure.

let him eat his lucky charms.  and wear whatever he puts on…as if it’s any other morning.  and go to bed the night before like it’s any other night…thinking of the frog he caught in the backyard that evening and the pop sickle stain on his pajamas. and whether or not he will get that new coon hat that he’s been wanting. and let him come to school…where you can pass out that test like it’s any other test.  teach him the stuff that is gonna be on that test.  send it home and we will work on it here…like we did tonight.  but don’t make it something it’s not.

don’t make it what makes him deemed SMART, or SUCCESSFUL, or WORTHY.

and for the love of GOD…don’t broadcast all the kids who get COMMENDED PERFORMANCES in the class in front of everyone while the kids who didn’t sit there…looking down…fighting off the embarrassment like you did a few years back. not cool.  like…at all.

please…don’t send him the message, at 10 years old, that if he does poorly on this test…

…he’s not GOOD ENOUGH.

my standardized test scores told me that ALL MY LIFE.

it has taken me a master’s degree, becoming a writer, a rocking IQ test score, and a good 20 years to realize that those test scores didn’t determine my intelligence worth.  and a lot of times…that all get’s confused with your entire worth as a person.

and i’ll be damned if i’m gonna let it happen to them too.

so…i guess what i’m saying is…if you’re wanting this household to get all frazzled and act like this test is the end all be all to his school career and worth as a human being…

…IT’S NOT GONNA HAPPEN.

when that test day rolls around, i’m telling my kid the same thing i tell him every other day…

“you go rock today being the best YOU you can be.  be kind.  be honest.  love God and love people…but worry more about what God thinks about you than those people.  and no matter what…i couldn’t love you any more or any less.”

and if he does all of that stuff…but fails that big test…

ice cream’s on me.

it may have been quiet on the blog…

but most definitely…

NOT in the house.

this is just a taste of what we’ve been up to:

everything is running slow these days.  me…for one.  even my computer.  it just took 15 minutes to open firefox.  bleh.

i’m going to post something that never fails to make me laugh.

because i need a good laugh.

about a month or so ago…our family was out to dinner with some friends.  and let me just tell you…i overheard a conversation between our 10 year old son and their 10 year old son…

…and that’s when i realized that conversations between 10 year old boys ain’t what they used to be.

*****

J.T.:  “My birthday is august 25th.”

Chase (cocking his head to the side and thinking hard) (i just knew he knew of something in history that happened on that day and i was waiting to hear what it was): “I know something else that happened on that day.”  (That’s my boy, I thought.)  “Neil Armstrong died.  I’m sure about it.”

J.T.:  “I know what happened that day too.  Amanda Bynes got her license revoked.”

Chase (seemingly interested and shocked at amanda bynes’ irresponsibility):  “Really?”

*****

And since my computer has frozen up about 27 times and shut down twice automatically since i started typing this…

that’s all she wrote.

and by “she”…i mean…”me.”

it’s co-op day.  that means that i get to spend from 12:00-4:00 teaching three 3 year olds (one of them being my spunky flicka)…one 4 year old…and two 5 year olds.

we are in the middle of a space unit.  because i say so.

i am currently wasting time until chad can find a new ink cartridge for the printer so that my planet printables will continue printing.  we are making a planet diagram today.  oooooooorrrrrr…if chad doesn’t have more ink for the printer…playing with play dough.  i’ve found that play dough can go a long way.

****

friday was go texan day.  i’ve written about my love for go texan day and all things “rodeo related” before…but i really can’t get enough.  my love affair with go texan day stems back to my early elementary school days and spans well into adulthood.  we even had it in high school…where we got to rock the rocky mountain jeans and ropers and feel cool about doing so.

back in the day…your coolness factor was directly related to how many rodeo performances you were attending.

some of my most favorite rodeo’s over the course of my 38 years include:

the statler brothers

anne murray

george strait

alabama

clint black

john mayer

and

miranda lambert

there are so many more…but those are my favorites.  my parents even saw elvis the year i was born.

it always begins with the trail ride coming into houston.  and that day…

well…

that’s GO TEXAN day!

this is the day that all little boys and girls transform into real cowboys and cowgirls.  everywhere you look, you see boots and hats and pearl snapped shirts.

2013:

2012:

2011:

 

i’ve noticed over the years that once the boys hit around 4th grade…they stop participating for a while.  you maaaay be able to convince them to wear a plaid shirt and jeans…but that’s about it.

don’t even get me started on rodeo art and how i never won.  every year…i sketched horses in pencil and colors with great concentration and precision…sure that it would be my year.  and i always fell short…losing out to some artistic abstract of boots and a hat. oooohhhhh how i wanted my horses to win.

i just can’t believe they don’t still have rodeo art in elementary schools.  it’s a crying shame.  i mean…i’m fairly certain i could take over one of the kids and win.  i mean…it couldn’t be aiden’s because she really enjoys art and would be all insistent in doing her own…blah…blah…blah…

but chase????  now…he’s a realistic option for me.  he’s not into art at all.  i’m pretty sure i could convince him.  i’m not above cheating at this point.  this girl needs a rodeo art blue ribbon.

****

yesterday…i pulled an old bookcase off the wall and decided, on a whim, to distress it.  it’s old…and doesn’t hold any kind of family pass-down value…so i wasn’t too worried about ruining it.  i even let annslee do some sanding…which meant that the scratch lines didn’t always end up going in the same direction…but her enjoyment in helping was totally worth it.

i wasn’t even sure where i was gonna let that shelf live…or what purpose it was going to serve until i was finished.

turns out…it makes a really good art shelf.

a few glass jars and baskets of coloring books and construction paper later…and we have a quaint little place by the table to create.

it makes me pretty happy.

God love this child.  After I tucked her in the other night…she looked around her messy room and begged,

“Will you pleeeeeeaaaaassssse leave the tooth fairy a note…telling her that I am in the middle of cleaning my room?  I don’t want her to think that I leave it like this!”

I replied,

“Don’t you think she will see through that?  Besides…I think she would be more concerned with if you brushed your teeth or not.”

She darted her eyes to the side…remembering that she had, indeed, forgotten to brush her teeth…and jumped up, skirted to the bathroom, and got the job done at break necking pace.  She even brushed the one that fell out.

I tucked her in…promised to write the note…and kissed her goodnight.

And I almost forgot.

To write the note, that is.

I mean…it’s not like I would have gone to bed…without checking to make sure the tooth fairy had come.  I’ve never done that before. I’ve never had to pretend the money had fallen behind the bed in the middle of the night and had been there all along to quiet the sobs of a small boy who thought the tooth fairy had totally forgotten about him.  No sirree, bob.

Anyway…I carefully scribed the note…and walked it upstairs to her room.

That child had spent…who knows how long*…cleaning her room. She even set her doll up with her toy toothbrush and toothpaste.  Just for good measure.

*(except now i do know how long…because i opened her closet door the next morning to get her school clothes out and the entire contents of her room was shoved inside that tiny closet.  so…technically…not that long.)

I left the note.

And the tooth fairy left a buck…

…and was very impressed with Aiden’s clean room and her doll…who…apparently…brushes her own teeth.

She was never the wiser.

****

We recently celebrated this pretty lady’s 92nd Birthday.  This is Honey.  She’s my grandmother.  And boy…do I love this woman.

We also set out to draw the longest picture in the world.

Soooo…maybe we’ve been watching a little too much of Ramona and Beezus lately.  Although…I’m not sure that’s possible.  It is one of my favorites.

We also had a day of Valentine crafting that turned into a whole weekend.

We sent a super secret Valentine to our best babysitter in the world, J.B.  She’s away at school and we miss that girl.

The baby got her very first Valentine box of her own.

And a special little girl turned 4.  She has had a rough year this year and has endured things that nobody…much less a child…should have to endure.  She wanted flowers for her room.  And…she should have them.

Now…she does.

We had a 50’s style, Valentine’s Ice Cream Social and Sock Hop.

You can only imagine my thrill to pull out my old poodle skirt (that my mom made me when I was little) for the girl to wear.

I adore this picture.  I really don’t think I could love it any more.

And I find it hilarious that she gave her big brother the shaft…like…

“You interrupted my date!!!!”

And in case you thought that I didn’t pull out my poodle skirt from my Senior Musical days…….

…………you’d be mistaken!

I should have been Sandy.  No question about it!!

So…clearly the thing to do…is pretend to be her now.  At 38.  I think that it’s completely rational and acceptable behavior for a grown mother of 4 that chickened out of her call back for the lead role back in the day.

And in case you thought that I forgot to teach them the twist…

fear not.

Oh yeah……..

we played with a monkey at Gallery Furniture.

and that sentence did seem just as weird when I typed it as it did in my head.

He tried to swipe some things out of my camera case.

and the gum out of my purse.

We capped it off by jumping on the biggest bed in the world…right in front of Mattress Mack, himself.

and you’re just going to have to trust me on that one…

because I was not about to put a camera in that man’s face right after he saw me jumping on the bed.

I do have to draw the “crazy” line somewhere.

Happy middle of the week.  Now…go…

Make happiness.

this afternoon…my oldest son left for church camp.  we have had such a busy week…preparing for 14 gillion valentine’s parties this week that it sorta snuck up on me.

around noon…i read over the list of things he needed to pack.  soooooo….maybe i’m a procrastinator.

 it wasn’t until then that i realized i was nervous about this whole deal.  and i questioned why?  am i nervous about him going alone?  not really.  am i nervous about the bus ride?  that’s not quite it either.  am i nervous about what is happening at camp?  no.  

so…then what?

 oh yeah…he’s old enough to do this without me needing to be nervous.  that’s what this anxious/excited/a little bit sad feeling is about.

 

i love the relationship of brothers.  don’t get me wrong.  it’s amazing.

but…

there is something…

unspoken…

 

…that i can’t really put into words…

about watching an older brother with his sisters.

that relationship never fails to cause me to do a small gasp…and cause my blink to stay closed a little longer…and a half smile to sweep across my face while i marvel at this gift i’ve been entrusted with.  

****

as we were pulling last minute things together…like flashlights and sleeping bags…i thought about a note.  i had to hide a note in his bag…just like i used to hide in his lunch kit when he was little.

 

and as i was writing…i thought…

“i need to leave a sticky note in his sack lunch too.  just so he knows how much we love him while he’s on the bus.  i mean…he won’t get this card until he unzips his bag.”

i headed to the kitchen…and that’s when i saw his sister…ripping a stick-it-note off it’s pad and dropping it into his sack. 

sister had my back.

and that was sufficient.

 

and after he pulled away…there we were.

and i had visions of a teenager and a  9 year old sister…waving bye to their college bound brother.

and then i was thankful.

that i have them.

and that this time…

it’s only for a weekend.