With Basketball tournaments filling the first half of our Summer…Iowa came later than usual.  I was worried about trying to tack a big trip in at the end of the Summer…and my anxieties about having to make the long trek home and then start school a few days later are lurking behind my heart beat for Colorado at the moment.  We leave Iowa tomorrow night to head to the mountains.  My mountains.  But for now…Iowa is still alive and well.  There’s a serious game of monopoly taking place in the living room to prove it.  It’s only the littles playing.  The big kids are still sleeping…and we are going on noon.  And that right there is proof that Summer is the bee’s knees.

At the very last minute…(we are renegades that way)…we decided to head up a week early for Camp Koronis…which is a family bible camp in Minnesota.  Chad went to this camp as a kid and hadn’t been back in years.  His brother was speaking to the High schoolers all week and was coming with his family.  And there was unlimited wake boarding.  Deal sealed.

Let it be said that I went to church camp one time in my life.  I was probably 5th or 6th grade.  I remember meeting a girl named Anwen…with super awesome red hair…who was the same level gymnast as me.  So…we did our beam routines down the thin concrete isle between the bunk beds lining our cabin.  and that’s about all I remember.

So…this was kind of my rookie season of camp.  And this deal was amazing.  The boy’s stayed in cabins with other boys their age.  Aiden got to share her first camp experience with her cousin in their very own bunk room on the hall with the other girls their age.  And the two little girls stayed in our room and were grasshoppers.  Grasshoppers is what they have for the kids during the day when the older kids and parents are listening to the teaching.

Chad and I stayed at the Sunrise Inn with our two grasshoppers.

All week…I imagined what I would have been doing had I been a young camper.  I would have loved the freedom of being able to hop on a bike to cruise around the camp grounds; skiing and tubing all afternoon; and hitting the canteen for big, chewy Sweet Tarts and Dr. Pepper every afternoon. I would have done gymnastics by the lake…taking full advantage of the slight decline of the grass that allows effortlessly adding 3 or 4 flip flops to your series. I would have made friends and crushed on the cute boys. I would have refilled my cup, at least three times a meal from the Grape Juice machine.  I would have become more in love with Jesus.  And I would have been sad to leave on the last day…and would have promised to keep in touch with the Anwens of that year…and made plans for meeting up again the next Summer.

The Bobbsey Twins were Grasshoppers together.  There is no doubt that these two are cousins.

I could spend a good bit of time here.

The younger campers hunted frogs all afternoon in this here pond.

I may or may not have imagined coming back here every Summer…and Aiden meeting a Godly, cute, camper dude one year…and getting engaged when they were both camp counselors as college students.  He would be awesome at wake boarding.  She would sit in the boat…watching him through her Ray-ban aviators that she saved up babysitting money for.  And it would be a twilight, southern wedding in this Chapel…with the reception on the lawn.  There will be mason jar lanterns in the trees and arnold palmers and she will probably have brown cowgirl boots under her dress.  Music and wine will be flowing…and the laughter and love will echo across the lake.

Not that I’ve thought about it that much.

It had been a long time since I last wake boarded.  Turns out…it’s just like riding a bike.

Annslee met her an Anwen.

Everybody tubed.  Even the littlest water sprite.

I maaaayyyyy have developed a tiny appreciation of frogs…just because of this picture.  Maybe.

And as quick as camp came and stole my heart…

it was gone.

I’m left with memories and stories and the few images that I caught on my camera…which of course…doesn’t quite do it justice.

****

We made the 5 hour drive back to Chad’s family’s house in Iowa…where we stayed put for a while.  There has been lots of Ultimate Frisbee…

…and late nights…and lazy mornings.

The annual Adventureland trip happened.

Flicka decided she was ready to go on her first big roller coaster.

And then she decided that she wasn’t.

I was so focused on her getting ready to drop her basket that I plum didn’t notice Snoop Dogg modeling in the background.

“Please Daddy.  Pleeeeaaasssse don’t make me ride this.  And please make P. Diddy stop modeling behind me.”

She rode it.  And she smiled when it was over while she pretended to hate it.  Because obviously…a strong willed girl is not going to admit when her Daddy was right.

And not everyone can have a picture like this of their first real roller coaster.  Thanks God.

Sleepover craziness happened.  I adore these kids.  If ever I could love kids like my own…these are them.

And this morning…when I groggily awoke to the sun shining brightly through the tiny, basement window to my room…I felt her little, warm body entangled with mine.

And no matter what is going on anywhere else in the world…

…at the moment…

…at this moment…

…all is right with mine.

****

So we live up today…and we prepare to get this family of seven back in the car tomorrow night for another journey.

The Wolf Creek pass and the ranch nestled deep in the valley beneath the Colorado mountains awaits us.  They have been patient with us.  They have been faithful.  Faithful to generations of my family to provide peace, growth, teaching, healing, fun, final resting places for beloved pets and introductions of new ones, friendships, and traditions that run deeper than the river that runs through them.

And this year…

…we are bringing a new, little one for them to fall in love with.

And they will welcome her the same as they welcome us…no matter if years and years have passed since our return…or a season.

Because to them…

only one thing matters.

We are coming back.

It’s 3:15 in the morning.  And I’m clearly not asleep.  All I can do…is look at the bright side.  I’m sitting in the middle of my house and it’s so quiet…that I could hear a pin drop.  And that never happens.  In fact…even the sound of the keyboard click, click, clicking away seems loud.

That brings me to a thought I had last night.  I snapped this picture to go along with the thought…because it just seemed like the right thing to do.

As most of us know…I have not been shy about my adoration for Harper Lee’s To Kill A Mockingbird.  So you can imagine my delight in the news that she had written and was releasing a sequel titled Go Set A Watchman…telling the story of Jean Louise Finch, “Scout”- returning home as an adult to see her father, Atticus.  From what I’ve read…Lee wrote this book before she wrote To Kill A Mockingbird…however she was encouraged to write and release the story of Scout & her brother, Jem as children first.  To think that this novel has been sitting patiently for so many years brings an anticipation for me unlike any other book I’ve read.  So…when Chad presented this book to me on it’s release date the other day…I instantly began having visions of sitting for long periods of time…being completely transported to another place and time.  I have longed to be reunited with Atticus…finding out how he’s been…like an old friend whom I haven’t seen in a while.  And I also have struggled to start it.  Because this is a story that can not be read in the waiting area of the gymnastics studio, or in the car in the movie theater parking lot while waiting to pick up a teenager from a non-date-group-outing.  It can’t be read in the bathtub or at the pool where other works of fiction have been read…because these pages deserve more that wet fingerprints and water splashes.

This is a novel that deserves a soft chair…and a quiet room with a single lamp lighting the pages for me.  It deserves to be paired with nothing more than a hot tea, maybe…because even a single glass of red wine could dim my senses just enough to miss something beautiful.

So I wait.  I wait until my mind is quiet and my heart is ready.  First step…get this blog written and these pictures logged.  That was what woke me tonight, I believe.  Five kids has been way busier than four.  And things like writing and picture uploading have fallen considerably lower on my list of priorities it seems…yet the needing and wanting to do it sometimes keeps me up at night.  But I’m too tired to actually do it.  Which is disheartening…but realistic.

Easter Sunday 2015

Chad and the boys surprised the girls and I with a trampoline!  Colt caught our reactions.

The biggest girl and the littlest girl have birthdays that are only 5 days apart.  So…we had a joint, family party.

I think she was excited to get a bike for her doll from Granna and Grandaddy.

Everyone enjoyed Aiden’s jumpy thing.  Even Chase…who is typically content to sit in the background at these types of events.

After the birthdays were properly celebrated…we had time to give Honey a manicure.  She did NOT like the color I chose.

My big girl turned 10.  It was a hard one for me.  But…she asked for Grace…who is the American Girl doll of the year.  Grace loves to bake and wants to open her own bakery some day; has long, dark hair; dark, blue eyes; sweet freckles splashed across her nose and cheeks; and has a charm bracelet.  So basically…I’m waiting for the American Girl people to call my people about Aiden playing the real Grace in the sequel to her already out first movie.  We just watched that the other night.  Cute flick.  But Aiden makes a much better Grace.  There.  I said it.

I love the way the boys are cleaning up these days!  Clean cut is in.  Bow ties and suspenders paired with chuck taylors is cool and a 1930’s-1940’s clean cut haircut is all the rage.  It’s a good time for boy’s fashion.

A simple, cotton, white gown is my very favorite thing to put my girls in to sleep.  And this one has been worn by all three girls now.  Granna knew what she was doing when she bought that thing.

Chase was honored by his Language Arts teacher at the end of the year banquet.  The vest!  I forgot about the vest!  Boy’s fashion on point…I tell you.

Aiden had a beach themed party with her friends this year.  We were supposed to have it at the pool…but weather didn’t cooperate.

So we made the best of things inside.

There are some pictures you just look at and think…I wouldn’t change a thing.  From the straw hats…to the screen door…to the smiles on their faces and the tilts of their heads…to the rips in the window screen and the haze in the air…

this is one of those pictures.

My two favorite dads on Father’s Day…

They apparently had “engine trouble.”  Aiden was their mechanic.  Priceless image.

We watched the US Women’s National Team win the Women’s World cup.  There are really no words to add to the awesomeness of that.

Aiden set a goal to get her splits…and like every good goal setting rule follower…she worked and stretched every night until she got them.

And finally…

tonight…the puddin cup wore my “I’m a winner” t-shirt from my days at Whitcomb Elementary.  I had to get…like…50 yellow tokens for extra good behavior to win that t-shirt.  I remember that like it was yesterday…walking around with one thought in my head:

“Must. Get. More. Tokens.”

I love my mother for saving things like this.  Which is partly why I’m a border-line hoarder now.  But whatever.

I’m a Winner.  I know…because I was told that in first grade.  And the t-shirt says so.

Well…this school year came and happened.  I was just posting on that first day of school…when the sky was the limit…and there were lots of unknown hopes and dreams of what would become of the 8th, 6th, and 4th grades.  The first day of school is filled with such promise.

“You have brains in your head.

You have feet in your shoes.

You can steer yourself any direction you choose.

You’re on your own.  And you know what you know.

And you are the guy who’ll decide where to go.” -Dr. Seuss

Colt.  You, for instance, knew exactly what you wanted for your 8th grade year.  You were in all pre-AP classes, with 2 High School level classes (Algebra and Spanish) on top of that.  Your goal was to keep a 4 point average.  And equally important to you was making the 8th grade basketball team.

You did those things.  And then some.

We love number five.

Your sisters got to go to a pep rally to cheer your team on.

You were inducted into the National Junior Honor Society.  You were also asked to be a member of SSA…a group of hand selected kids who are looked at as leaders by your peers…to be catalysts for a change in thinking:  That KINDNESS is always better.  In addition to that…you were selected to meet with the principal on a regular basis with a small group of other kids to offer suggestions on how to improve the school.  Because of y’all…real changes were made to policies!!  Your voice made a real difference to the entire school for years to come!

You got to watch my old High School win play-offs and then play in the UIL 6A State Basketball tournament in San Antonio.

You got to sit next to Lake’s famous Coach Krueger (the winningest basketball coach in Texas) in Krueger Field House and watch the games.

You got to travel to the State tournament…and create your own memory to be filed with my very own from 8th grade when my parents took us to Austin to watch Clear Lake win State in 89.

How I hope that you can look at this post…and see how the Lord has blessed you this year.  He allowed and facilitated all of your hopes and dreams that were only in your heart back in August…on that first day of school…to come to fruition.  He loves you, son.  He is for you.  He knows what you need and what you desire and the best way to piece all of it together in order to make you more of the man He has created you to be.  You won’t always get what you want…which isn’t a bad thing…considering that the one in charge of your future knows far greater than you do about what you need.  This year has been an amazing journey for you.  You have worked hard.  You have had some bad days…just like we all do.  But you have had a lot of good ones.  And they are both worth praising.

And there is you, Chase…who have proved yourself time and time again.

Just this morning…Daddy and I sat in the Library at your school to watch you receive an award for having outstanding character.  I have been stopped by your teachers multiple times through this year…for them to tell me a story about some way that you have cared for someone.  One particular teacher’s eyes brimmed with tears as she told me of you standing up in front of your class to tell them that the way they were treating a special needs student wasn’t right.  You told them that they needed to stop.  Your teacher said, “I told him he didn’t have to do that…that I would handle it.  But he said, No.  He said that a student needed to stand up for what was right.  We don’t see many kids like that, Mrs. Clarkson.”

You have worked your way out of qualifying for a language disability label.  You have worked and worked and worked for years and years and years.  You never gave up…even when it was harder for you than your friends.  Even during those nights of homework…when you couldn’t understand the words in the word problems or the phrasing in a chapter…you kept going.  Even during those times when you thought you weren’t smart because of this different way that your mind worked…you kept going.  And all that perseverance has paid off for you this year.  You’re moving up, baby!

“And will you succeed?

Yes!  You will, indeed!

(98 and 3/4 percent guaranteed.)

Kid, You’ll Move Mountains!” -Dr. Suess

These two???  Well…they may be their little sisters…

but they are their biggest fans!

Yeah…Colton…you got Student of the month back in September.  So…don’t go feeling left out.

And you, Aiden Annee-Grace?  Well…you have marched to the beat of your own drum!  You have held your own…with grace and style.  You think for yourself and you stick to your guns.  And I love that about you.

You have built solid friendships this year with some really good girls.  You have learned what it means to be kind to everyone…but also to choose your inner circle wisely.  You know who you are and are solid in that.  You don’t gossip.  And everybody loves you.  You are invited to a bazillion birthday parties and feel bad if you can’t make them all.  Why???  Not because you want to go to jumping world again…but because you want the person to feel celebrated…even if you don’t know them that well!  You are simply…awesomeness with a bow.

You aren’t jealous.  And you love it when good things happen to people.  Don’t ever let that part of you go.  It’s God’s graciousness in you.

Your stint in student council has lead to you running for office, baby!

You are running for President of the student body.  I’d vote for you in a Texas heartbeat!

And just think…if you win…you will have a whole Kindergarten class as your biggest fans!  Annslee will be up there under your reign!

Good Luck, my little darlin’!

Summer is on it’s way.  Here’s a big margarita glass cheers…

with an umbrella, of course.

2014-2015 school year…out.

You’ve seen whispers of her…

tiny images of an angel, here and there.

Yesterday, our family changed forever.  Yesterday, we were called into a court room to meet a family.

And the love my heart feels for this family has grown it, stretched it, and purposed it.

I looked into the eyes of a mother who loved her child deeply…and who very much wanted to be the mother that this sweet baby deserved.  I saw her wrestle and writhe in pain as she made the hardest and most selfless decision that a mother could ever make…the decision to give her child a different life.

Make no mistake.  This child was always loved by her mother.  She was always wanted by her mother.  And this child will always know that.

****

I have known there was a fifth.  I kept telling Chad, “I’m very sorry to tell you…God has a fifth child for us to love…guide…and teach of His great love.  It’s not my fault.  It’s just the way it is.”  And he would roll his eyes and sigh and say things like, “You are crazy.  Four kids is a lot!  I’m a pastor!!!  Money doesn’t grow on trees….blah blah blah.”

I can’t be blamed for God’s hand.  I’m just telling you that there is a fifth kid.  I don’t make the rules!

And even though my heart knew that there was another child…I never dreamed she would come to us like she did.  But I can honestly say…when you witness the hand of God move in your life and the life of your family and the life of a tiny child, who has no control of her world and what becomes of it…all at the same time,

you’re faith is changed forever.

We are humbled and honored to be able to adopt Adalyn into our family as our number five.

Adalyn…you are beautiful.  You are wanted.  You were promised by God and purposed by Him.  I knew you were coming…and I am overjoyed with who you are.  You are brave.  You are strong-willed.  You are full of love.  You are a daughter; a sister; a grand-daughter; a niece; a cousin; and even a great grand-daughter to a whole host of people who adore you.

And more importantly…you are a daughter of the Most High King…who created you with a purpose on this Earth and for His Kingdom.

*Adalyn’s picture legally can’t be shown until the adoption is final.

I’m all, “Hmmmmm…what to say after so long???”  There are all kinds of holes in my story now…un-recorded memories and experiences.  My girls learned to snow ski in Breckenridge, Colorado for Heaven’s sake.  And all I have to show for it are a few Instagram posts…and worse…Facebook photos.  “Shudder.”  I hate it when…because of busyness or just plain laziness…important moments get logged as snip-its rather than stories.  I will get there.  I will get these Colorado vacations and Christmas and 8th Grade Basketball documented.  Even if it kills me.

Ok.  “Kills” is a strong word.

****

First things, first.

I have been up to my eyeballs in paperwork, classes, and smallish human beings.

September brought the start of a new school year, Fall, and on September 24th…an e-mail that changed our lives forever.

Chad and I have had countless conversations about adoption over the coarse of our 15 year marriage.  We have come very close to pulling the trigger on 2 different occasions…each time, Chad having to tell me that it wasn’t the right time or circumstance.  I would always be disappointed…but would eventually come around to trusting his leadership and judgement.  Adoption is certainly not something we can go into with only one of us on board.

After this Summer of healing and renewing my trust in Jesus being who He says He is…I had an unwavering faith that:

A.  He is good.

2.  He knows what He is doing.

3.  He is working for us and not against us.

4.  He creates life for his Kingdom…not just this Earth.

5.  He had something for our family on the horizon.

and 6.  I had to rest in Him.

(side note…I just love it when people go from letters to numbers when making a list.)

I started praying about adoption again.  And Chad did too.  I was ready…but Chad needed to be “sure.”

At one point, I remember specifically telling God that Chad needed Him to yell at him.  He needed a message from Him that was so obvious and loud that he couldn’t ignore it.  He thinks with his head…so he needed a practical message.  I am content with “feeling” that something is right.  Chad needed the head knowledge for a decision this big.  I told God that unless he wanted to do a miracle in my husband’s “thinking” mind (which he could totally do, by the way)…that there would need to be nothing short of a child dropped into our laps.  I kinda grimaced at that prayer that day…thinking that God was up there…all rolling his eyes at me, tisking, waiting to show me that He didn’t need me telling him how to run things.  But I closed my prayer…remembering that I was talking to my Father…and not some cold, disciplinarian…critiquing my every word.  He loved me.  He heard me.  He got me.  And I knew it.

About a week and a half later…Chad got the e-mail.

“Is there anyone who would be willing to foster to adopt a 28 month old baby girl?”

I remember where I was sitting when he told me.  I remember standing up…saying, “YES!  YES!  DID YOU E-MAIL THEM BACK AND TELL THEM YES?!”

He kinda smiled.

Then he said, “I e-mailed them back and said…DO NOT SEND THIS TO MY WIFE!”

He was kidding.  And he had e-mailed them back.

So.  Here is where I skip a whole lotta “stuff” and focus on the fact that the Lord was loud.  He was loud about what He wanted us to do.  He has been continuously readying our family to do this thing.  He was clear about what our steps were to be.  And it’s been a challenging and beautiful ride thus far.

We have completed our Foster/Adoption classes…and we are waiting on our fire inspection and home study and whatever child the Lord has for us to love for Him…for however long He will have us love them.  It’s an unknown road.  It’s a road that has to be traveled with nothing but blind faith and hope leading us.  There is no place for control on it.  Sometimes the road is made up of small, muddy trails…shadowed and dark and I can’t really see where we are headed.  And there are screeching whispers of turning around and heading back to where we were before…because it’s safer there.  And then sometimes the road is sunny and warm and bright…with bird’s singing and chirping. And there is someone bigger…who very obviously knows love… who is in control, holding our hands and reminding us that He is a faithful path guide.  And there is skipping.  (I love skipping.)   And it’s ours.  It’s our road…with our faithful guide leading our way.  And I am so grateful for each and every step.

****

It just so happens that several weeks before we had any idea that any of this was going to happen…I sat across from Chad in the “Lodge” room with my coffee and my we-are-about-to-have-a-conversation face.

He looked up from his laptop.

“What?”  He said.

“I have been thinking about something a lot.  And I really want to do it.  I’ve decided.”

He stopped me.

He said, “You want to get a boob job.”

I spit out my sip of coffee.  “NOOO!!!!!!”

He laughed.  He’s a funny one.  He will kill me for telling that.  It’s ok though.  Totally worth it.

I recovered.  “I want the girls to share a room.”

“Why???  What would we do with the other room?” He reasoned.

“I don’t know.  Maybe it could be a guest room.  But…I just know that I always wanted a sister.  And I always thought that if I had a sister…we would share rooms like on the Brady Bunch.  And Aiden will be in Jr. High in TWO YEARS and then she won’t want to share a room with her 1st grade sister!!!!” ( I was getting all “fast talking” and dramatic at this point) “And I think that it will really bond them and be a time that they will cherish and never forget!  And I think it will help keep Aiden young when society is screaming at her to act older than she is…and I think it will help Annslee not be so scared of her sister being out of her site if she knows they will be together at night. (Annslee had been suffering with a lot of attachment issues after her friend passed away)  And…I just really want this for them.”

Chad looked at me…and I knew what he was thinking.

“Huuuuuuuhhhhhhhhh.  I’m going to have to move a bunch of furniture.”

But what he said was glorious!

“Ok.”

So we did it.  And I had no idea if Annslee’s room…the room that had always housed the “baby”…would ever be occupied again.  And that was super hard for me on the first night that it was empty.  But I focused on the sister bond thing we had going.  And also how darling their shared room was.

My mother made that dress for my cousin before she was born…25ish years ago.  They gave it to Annslee and her first “official” baby picture was taken in it.

That was the first dress I bought for Aiden when I found out she was a girl.

I kinda have an obsession with Holly Hobby.  And dolls.

Those cups and saucers belonged to Chad’s Grandma Margaret.  Aiden collects bells.  I just love that.  One is my Great Grandma Florida Nation’s (yes! that was her real name!!)  It is engraved with “Happy” on it…because that is what everyone called her.  Can you even take it???  Happy was her nickname!  Like people really called her Happy!  One is my grandmother’s.  One is Chad’s grandmother’s.  It’s just plain awesomeness.  The instrument playing angels were my mom’s.  Her grandmother gave them to her and they were in her room when she was growing up.  She happened to be in the room when I was setting them up.  She said, “That’s funny.  That’s exactly the way I always arranged them.”

Dolls from Alaska, Ukraine, and all over Texas.

My mom stitched those Holly Hobby’s and they were hanging in my room until around Jr. High.

I love this space.  I love everything about it.  I love that I hear them whisper at night.  I love that they argue over who gets to have the remote.  I love that we gather as a family here at bedtime to read the Bible together.  I love that I hear frozen music blaring from in there when I send them up to clean it.  I love that memories and sister bonds are being made in that space.  and I love that without us even knowing it…God was freeing up a room for a child that needs it.  Whoever that child may be.

Blind faith.  It’s a magical thing.

Merry Christmas From our Family to Yours.

outtakes:

Have yourself a merry little Christmas…

Let your heart be light.

From now on…our troubles will be out of sight.

So…have yourself…a merry little Christmas now.

****

Words I’m living by this Holiday season.  Sending love out there tonight.  To you…and you…and yours.

Annslee:  “I know what I’m gonna wish for for Christmas this year!!!”

Me:  “What??”

Annslee:  “My lucky day!!!!!!!!”

Go for it, Sugar Plum.

****

This year, Annslee is 5 years old.  And I’ve decided that 5 years old is my favorite age to watch celebrate Christmas.  She’s all in.  Everything is amazing to her.  She bounces everywhere she goes and her eyes are wider and her laugh is…laughier.

She has conversations with her elf…whom she has re-named “Elsa” but whom she calls “Elizabeth” sometimes too.  The elf’s name used to be Elmo…so you can see that there is a pattern to her naming tendancies.

And she sings.  She sings all the time.  Her favorite is Jingle Bells.  And she is serious about it.

“Jingle bells…jingle bells…jingle all the waaaaayyyyy!  Oh what fun…we wish we were…in a one horse open sleigh…HEY!”

It’s awesome…really.

I have always wanted to try making homemade Christmas cookies.  And when I say “always” what I really mean is “ever since I started watching, on average, 2.2 Hallmark Christmas movies every day.”  It seems that they are always making homemade Christmas cookies.  I’m not gonna say that they tasted the greatest.  But I will say that I handled the mess way better than I anticipated.  So I’ll consider that a win.

Outdoor decorations are up.  And someone is very happy about that.

She couldn’t get her arms around him for a hug fast enough.

We took our Christmas pictures…although I think we may skip sending Christmas cards this year…as much as I hate it…and try to save money where we can.

This is the behavior that I deal with during family pictures.  And that’s from Chad.  So you can imagine what it’s like when you add all the kids and (this year) the dog in the mix.

I honestly didn’t feel him put that up there!  Unbelievable.

The elves came.  As much as I love all things Christmas…I’m not a huge fan of the whole elf thing.  So…we do it a little differently.  UK comes and helps them “arrive” while we are all out somewhere.  He does it up good for their seasonal debut and then we peter out pretty fast.  I do over hear the kids saying things like, “Our elves really don’t move around very much” or “I wonder if they will move tonight?”  And I’m fine with it.  I don’t try to sell all that ridiculousness about not being able to touch them, etc.  I figure…sleep with them…cuddle them…let them watch movies with you…and take them in the car.  That gives me a good excuse as to why I don’t have to jump up at night right as I’m about to fall asleep because I forgot to move the elves!  They are always under their arms…asleep.  And that’s why they don’t move!  That seems to be a sufficient answer.  To them…and me.

However…I will also tell you that Annslee… my biggest “believer” …asked me the other day when I was going to get them out.

I shockingly answered, “Don’t be silly!  I don’t get them out!  They come from the North Pole!”

She flatly replied, “But they are stuffed animals.”

I decided to avert the question by shining a light on the fact that I didn’t think her elf would appreciate being referred to as an animal.

So…I may not have the best plan concerning the elves.

It didn’t diminish her excitement when they finally showed up, though.

I figure what UK did there buys me about a week of elf loserness.  They are bound to still be too tired and sugar hung-over to do anything else for a while.

I’ll leave y’all with another intellectual conversation that I had with Annslee concerning her Christmas wish list.

Annslee:  “I know what I wish for for Christmas!”

Me (thinking…I know! Your lucky day!):  “What????”

Annslee:  “A toilet in the car.”

I can’t argue with her logic.  And it could happen.  Aiden and Colton are asking Santa for an RV.  Those things have toilets.

****

I’m hoping that your Season is looking bright tonight.

Halloween was like a Norman Rockwell image this year.  I am longing for simpler times.  I can’t help myself.  And lately…I have been pleasantly surprised at how frequently I capture an image of my life in my mind and realize how neatly it fits into an old Rockwell or Kinkade painting.

Case in point.  Sure…important children are missing from the picture because they are either eating lollipops, being too old to dress up, or perfecting their home-made Freddy finger knives off camera…but still.  What a perfect image here.  Adorable, traditional costumes…orange sprinkled Halloween cookies…wind blown piggy tails…and big pre-trick or treat grins.

And good friends, of course.  We can’t forget about the most important thing.  Good friends.

Twin witches who called their boots “witchy boots” and a pirate fit for a Caribbean ship lit up the sidewalk…and our night.

For the record…I never tell her to do these serious poses.  These are candid shots.  And I adore them.  Because they capture her.  She can be so serious…and then break into the greatest laughter on a dime.

In this particular shot…she was looking across the street to see if her friend had come out yet…and her awkward, crossed footed stance is just soooo her…and makes me smile.

UK pulled his trailer for a hayride.  Can we all just agree on how amazingly fun hayrides are??

UK dressed the part as our driver…eliciting squeals of laughter from his nieces and looks of sheer embarrassment from his nephews.

I just think he wanted an excuse to wear all that hair.  But I didn’t tell him that.

This morning…I called my dad.  We joked that I was already watching Hallmark Christmas movies…allowing the Season to roll in, in full swing.  He said, “You know what’s gonna happen…don’t you???  You know how you get…”  And I laughed and knowingly replied, “I know Dad.  I know.”  Because he was referring to my inability to control my Elf-like spirit and Christmas cheer to the point that when the day actually arrives…I’m too sad to enjoy it.  Because I’m more focused on the fact that it’s going to be gone within a few hours than I am the joyful fact that it has finally arrived.  I think I suffer from PTHD.  Post Traumatic Holiday Disorder.  It’s the Christmas blues.  But I assured him that this year was going to be different…because I am learning the discipline of letting go of the seasons passed…instead of holding onto what was or what could have been.  And it is a discipline. I will always have that choice to make.

I can either focus on the fact that December 26th is the day my grandfather died and, coincidentally, the due date for a baby that I didn’t get to hold here on Earth…or…I can focus on all of the wonderful that December 25th brings with it.  Because the truth is…that December 25th brings the most important baby of all…the Savior of our world…of our pain…of our sadness and suffering.  He is the same God that holds that baby now and listens to my Grandpa’s soft stories and laughs with and loves the people that I miss.  And that will always be.  Every year.  December 26th has always been a sad day for me…even as a young child.  And now it holds new meaning…and new sadness.  But December 25th brings the hope and the truth that makes it all okay.  And it is.  It is all okay.

So I am letting the cool, Fall air usher in a new season…and with it, new promises of dreams coming true.  You just never know what the Lord has in store day to day…month to month…year to year…for His children that love Him.

You just never know.

And there is nothing but joy in that.

This year will definitely be different, Dad.

Definitely.

October is already in full swing and I haven’t even located my orange storage container with the black lid yet.  I’ve kinda scaled back.  In an o.k. way.  I’m paying more attention and answering the question, “Is that what I want to spend my time and energy on?”  I am being more selective.  I am asking God every day:  “Who?  What?  When?  Where?  Why?  and How?”  And I am paying attention to His answers…like never before.  There is lots and lots on my mind these days.  There is lots of communication with God.  There is lots of trust and peace and anticipation.  There is lots of looking at my 4 kids…while having, “Oh-my-Gosh-I-am-an-old-mom-now” thoughts.  I don’t want to be an old mom.  I may have touched on this before.  In fact…I’m sure I have.  But I’m telling you…there is nothing like having TWO in Jr. High combined with a sweet toddler girl who somehow managed to magically become a 4th grade tween (what does that word even mean???  I sort of hate it), combined with the last year with the baby at home…combined with the daily knowledge that our 5th baby is in Heaven instead of in the now empty nursery upstairs.  I don’t like dreading things.  But I dread next year like I dread hearing that there is a stomach virus going around.  And there is always one of those things going around these days.  I can’t catch a break.

Anyway…I don’t really know what to do with all of these feelings…other than to feel them…and then decorate them with twinkly lights to make them prettier.  Examples…celebrate the heck out of Annslee turning 5, becoming “friends” with all of their “friends” on Instagram, and focusing on the fun fashion that comes with being a tween (Ugh…that word, again.)

And hope.

I realize that God, not only created me for contentment in Him…but also for hope.  He created me for hope in a future.  I am slowly learning how to introduce my contentment with the preset and my hope for what the future holds…and teaching them how to be friends.  Because when those two things are at odds…I start feeling really unbalanced and insecure.

****

Twinkly lights are all over the place…in the form of:

Clemson cheerleaders:

Finding her asleep in a self-made cocoon:

Little House in the Big Woods inspired outfits:

Driveway nights:

Kids in a bounce house:

Girls playing dolls in a tent in the backyard:

5th Birthdays (and twirling, for that matter):

and do-it-yourself 4th grade pictures:

Sparkly lights…indeed.

Contentment and hope…

they are all over this page…in these words and these images.  They are everywhere.

Chase is 12.  Which is crazy.  Like…really crazy.  And to keep from getting overly emotional about his last year of non-teenagerness…I’ve decided to just not dwell on numbers this year.  At all.  Which works out great for me…because on October 24th…I turn an ungodly number that I have very negative connotations with.  But that’s enough about that.

Chase has been counting down the days for about 2 weeks.
“8 more days, Mom” and so on…

And we always pretend that we don’t know what he’s talking about.

“4 days till what, Chase???”

But he calls our bluff every time.

What a kid.  I’m telling you…if you are privileged enough to know him…then you know…

…what an amazing kid.

His birthday was on Tuesday…and on Monday afternoon…the school nurse called me to come get his sister.  By Monday night…she was running a very high fever and very obviously sick.  When I tucked Chase in that night…it was no longer…

“1 more night!!!”

but…

“Mom…I’m really worried about Aiden.  I’m really worried that something bad will happen to her.”

There are glimpses throughout our days that remind me that our kids will forever be changed after losing a sibling during my pregnancy (no matter how early it was) and watching their little sister’s best friend die.  And I realized that he was going there.

I kissed his forehead and told him…

“Chase…Aiden is ok.  I think she has strep throat…and she will get medicine tomorrow and she will be ok.  You can be excited about your birthday.”

But that is just Chase…more concerned with his sister than himself.

He decided to cancel his birthday dinner at BJ’s and have their pizza brought home for supper instead.  He wanted his sister with him.  And isn’t it so true…that it doesn’t really matter where you are…but who you’re with that’s most important?  He is someone that understands what love is.  He always has been.

What a kid.

Annslee told me a while back, “I know what I want to get Chase for his birthday.  I know where we need to go.”

She lead me to the mall…to a store that has movie posters and pictures of old movie stars.  She had remembered Chase noticing an Elvis Presley picture there months ago.  And she was going to get it for him.  I didn’t even care that she had no idea that it cost actual money…and that you couldn’t just walk in and take it.  She was so excited.  She had been thoughtful.  She had been aware.  She had been diligent and intentional.

What a kid.

Tonight, we are taking Chase and his two closest friends to Jumping World to celebrate.  We aren’t leaving until 7.  But at noon…he said,

“Welp…I might as well go ahead and get ready.”

I think he’s excited.  And boy oh boy…do I love that kid excited.

****

School pictures happened up at the ole’ Jr. High.  I don’t buy those things anymore.  They are just awful…and awfully expensive.

I told them…

just tell the photographer that your mom is a photographer.

Because really…who can’t be a photographer if they really want to be?

So…they did.  And I was.

I took their pictures when they got home from school that day.

6th and 8th grade…chronicled.

And speaking of birthdays…the back and forth sack between me and UK is still going strong.

This was his t-shirt from me on September the 8th.

The sack is taped together.  Which I love.

Happy Birthday.  All around.