heartache and happiness

I’ve been thinking a lot about this life on Earth…and how we are conditioned to do everything we can to avoid pain.  We think that we should not have to hurt.  We spend all kinds of time learning how to build walls around our hearts to protect them from pain.  This morning…Chad and I looked around our lives and admitted the pain that is present.  I am a person that tries to focus on the one blooming flower in the yard, or the rainbow poking through the cloudy skies…but I have to admit that the pain has become greater than my “silver lining” abilities in that department.  Because as we look around…we see pain.

We see my parents going to a funeral this morning.  Their friends are burying their son.  We see one of Chad’s church planting friends and his wife taking one breath at a time this morning after their 6 month old daughter died in a car accident yesterday.  And above all else…we are coming to terms with the fact that our 4 year old daughter’s best friend’s cancer has returned.  And it hurts.  It all hurts so bad.

We automatically think, “What is God doing??  How could he allow these things??  These are good people.  They love him.  They live their lives for him.”

These things are all faith shakers for me.  I start to question the God I am serving and his character.  I start to get angry.  I start to doubt.

This morning I realized that while all of those feelings might be normal…they are not doing what I want them to do.  Because what I really want…is to not feel the pain.  What I want is to live in a world where pain like that isn’t present.  And…that is just never going to be an option here on this Earth.

We were never promised a pain free life.  All we have to do is look at scripture.  Look at David.  Look at Job.  Look at Moses.  Look at the prophets.  Look at his closest friends…his disciples.  They all endured great suffering.  They all experienced pain.

And then…look at Jesus.

He went through more pain and suffering than any of us will ever know.  And he didn’t deserve any of it.  He took it willingly.  For us.

The hard truth is that the rescue doesn’t always come here on Earth.  The promise of the rescue is in His Kingdom.

This morning Chad asked me, “If you knew that you were going to lose the baby…would you have still wanted to be pregnant?”

My gut response was, “No.”

My gut was to protect myself from the pain…to never feel that kind of hurt.

And then he said, “At what point does your answer change?  If they knew that their baby would die in a car when she was 6 months old…….If our dear friend knew that her daughter was going to battle cancer as a young child and that this cancer would claim her life…..at what point does your answer change?”

I thought about that.  I thought about it for a long time.  And that’s when I allowed my heart to break.  I knew that I had to accept this life for what it is.  There is beauty and there is extreme pain.  And I changed my answer.  My answer is yes.   I would still have gotten pregnant…even though it would end in loss…in pain.  Because the rescuing is not on this Earth.  It is in His Kingdom.  I cling to the promise of His Kingdom…where all things are made right…where joy and goodness and beauty promise to overcome pain and suffering.  This morning…this is where our baby is…this is where my parent’s friends’ son is…this is where Chad’s friends’ baby is…this is where Claire will be.  This is were we will spend eternity if we claim Jesus as the son of the living God and the most high…who died a horrific death and laid death in His grave, in order to make a way for us.  This is where suffering ends.

So…now I marry.  I marry pain and joy.  I marry heart-ache and happiness.  I marry life and death.

It’s taken me a full day to write this.  It’s now the evening.  And this evening, I think about Claire.  I think about her with so much emotion.  I think about how my daughter drew her a picture today…because she is her best friend.  To her…she’s just Claire.  She is the friend that she laughs with and plays make-believe with.  She’s the one whom she shares secrets with.   She doesn’t know that she is any different from her.  She doesn’t know that pain will come.  She doesn’t know that she will ever have to say goodbye to her.  And I follow my daughter’s lead…finding joy in all of those little things like the giggling secrets and dress up dances.  Because…although her friend’s body is filled with cancerous tumors and failing her…her body is also living.  She may be dying…but she is also living.  And that is no different than the rest of us.  So…as long as I am on this Earth…I must marry it all.

Life is hard.  And it was never promised not to be.

The longer I try to avoid and protect myself from the pain in this life…the longer that I don’t fully live it.

Chad received a text from the grieving father who just lost his baby girl.  It read,

“We are taking it one breath at a time.  We are focused on the cross.”

And by God……..so am I.

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Please join us in praying for Claire and her family.  We pray for the great physician to do a mighty miracle in her body.  And we claim the love that He has for her……..

……..the love that He has for us all.