This October 15th date is throwing me for a major loop. I don’t quite understand time. The way it can creep and fly…without warning.
This weekend was filled with simple joys…rain boots and umbrellas, puddle jumping, slumper parties, and basketball.
I haven’t been exactly myself lately. I can’t put my finger on it…a bit more contemplative, maybe. A little Negative. A tad Impatient. And the worst…tormented by the distrust demon.
I don’t like it. I don’t like not trusting. It goes against every fiber of who I am…trust trust trust and then trust some more. And I can see how sneakily that distrust pushes it’s way through…whispering things like,
“BUT…look at this or that…look how that’s not fair…look how that makes no human since…look at how unfair your
God is…why would a loving God allow that??? See…look at all these situations…look at how you are better off not trusting…look at how that will hurt you.”
Except not trusting only works for…like…a second. Because, shortly…after not trusting for a while…you start building a wall around your heart. You build it brick by brick…BUT by BUT. You get it higher and higher, working harder and harder for the false promise of protection…of control. And you wonder why you still aren’t yourself…why you are still negative…why you are still impatient…why you still don’t have peace?
This weekend I recognized it. I felt my wall. I realized how quickly that I had taken the reigns…steering and fighting to be in control. I was doing it for my kids. I was making decisions for them for what I thought I wanted for their future here in this world. I was doing it for me. I was arguing with God about how wrong He was for taking our baby last May…while He allowed the crack addict who didn’t even want a baby to have hers…and then didn’t even love it. I began placing more importance on Colton making the basketball team at school and being socially successful than I was his heart. I began sending the message to Aiden (at 8 years old, mind you) that she needed to focus more on becoming a good tumbler…you know…just in case she wants to try out for cheerleader one day. Because…let me tell you, honey…in this district…average doesn’t cut it. And I realized that all of this was my way of showing God that I wasn’t going to let Him take something from me anymore. Colt will make that basketball team. Aiden will become the best tumbler. I will have that baby. Whether it’s God’s plan or not.
So…apparently I can’t be one of the people who bop through life with their wall up…willing and forcing life to be exactly what they want. Because once I recognized the bricks being stacked around me…one by one…I realized who was doing the stacking. I stopped blaming everything else for them. I saw that I was the one stacking and sweating and working. I saw why I was so tired. So I quit. I just stopped stacking. I just stood there…looking at all the time and energy that I had wasted. I dropped my arms to my sides…shoulders slumped. Head down. Eyes closed. And said…
“I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I have cut you out. I’m sorry that even though I know what you did for me and how you love me…I have hurt you by saying that I don’t trust you. I’m sorry that I have chosen the world. I’m sorry that I’ve listened to lies about you…and that I believed them for a while. I know what that feels like…for someone to lie about you and have people believe it. It hurts. It hurts badly. The world is lying about you. I’m sure you know that. But that doesn’t hurt you like I have. Because I believed them. I believed that you couldn’t possibly be who you say you are. I believed that you couldn’t possibly care. I believed that I didn’t need you any more. And I’ve been so wrong. I’m so sorry.”
And at that…I started taking the bricks down. One by one. Ignoring every “but…” that came my way.
Even thought it was hard…and painful…and scary…
I started trusting again. I chose to trust.
Not long ago…Chad told me,
“Mindy…we are not preparing our kids for the 7th grade basketball team at the Intermediate school. We are preparing them for eternity in the Kingdom.”
And he’s right, that man.
All those bricks…
there is no place for them in the Kingdom. They won’t transfer. They aren’t needed. So…why give them any attention now? It’s just a big waste of time and focus.
Prepare for eternity.
Prepare for the Kingdom.
And trust that He knows what He’s doing.