This story is going to be a hard one to write. But it is my story. It’s my truth. And writing it is taking the swirling thoughts of worry and fear and confusion that are taking up residence in my mind and putting them down…concretely…concisely. And it makes them more bearable. Because any time we allow others into our stories…we are no longer bearing so much of the weight on our own shoulders. And right now…I need my people. I need my people’s shoulders.
I had great ideas about how I wanted to celebrate with the rest of our little world. I had scoured pinterest for the newest and most unique ways of doing this. And as the days rolled by…I became more and more excited about it.
This is not any of those cute and unique ways that I was planning on.
Three weeks ago, today…I found out that we were pregnant with our 5th baby.
Although we had not planned for it…or tried for it…it was here. God had chosen us…chosen us to be the family for another one of his children. And quickly…the shock turned into gratitude.
We made the decision to keep it quiet…more for embarrassment reasons than anything else. Chad did not want to hear comments like, “Don’t you know how that happens???” or “Five kids???? Are y’all crazy????” And although it was hard…I agreed.
But due to my complete inability to keep any sort of happiness to myself…a few of you figured it out. I told my parents and my brother…who I can’t keep ANYTHING from; our children…who saw me taking up residence on the couch and started wondering why; and my everyday people who know there ain’t no way that I would give up regular coffee in the mornings, a coke in the afternoon, or a cup full of the homemade sangria at girl’s night. And there were my people who knew me well enough to know that I would never not show up for a soccer game and then drop out mid season without an explanation. Other than that…no one knows.
I had been counting down the days to my doctor’s appointment this morning. I made it for 8:30…knowing that even an additional hours wait to see my baby’s flickering heart beating on that black and white screen would be more that this impatient kid could handle.
They did the ultrasound…and the baby measured 5 weeks and 5 days…and it was too early to see a heartbeat. The problem with that is that it doesn’t line up on my calendar. I should be 7 weeks. According to my human knowledge…I should have been able to see that heart beating.
So…I have to wait. I have to wait a whole week to go back in and have another ultrasound to see if everything is ok.
In my heart…there are two possibilities.
One…that God’s surprising timing is his own and my calendar has no real bearing on this life that he created and I will see a 6 week 5 day baby with a strong, beating heart next week;
or…that our baby stopped growing at 5 weeks and 5 days and is gone.
God created this baby alright…without any planning from us. My unknown…my reality…the question that I can’t quit asking is:
Did he create it for this life…a life in our family…a life with 4 siblings and grandparents who love and cherish it and a mama and daddy that couldn’t love anyone more…to be held and swaddled and rocked by us?
or did he create this life for his kingdom?
And for the first time in my 38 years…my heart is able to say,
“Either way, my Lord…I love you. I praise your name. You are good.”
And that is something I’ve never been able to do.
I love typing the happiness blogs…with pictures of smiles and life and celebration. And those days and moments far outweigh these days and moments of grief and wondering and painfully begging for a life…
we are indeed blessed.
But today is real. Today…this is my story. And I have to settle in close to His shoulder and let Him stroke my hair and whisper…
“I have this, sweet girl. I have this.”
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If you have found yourself reading this post somehow…and are the praying kind…
we would greatly appreciate your praying for us.