I will never be able to argue that this is my favorite time of the year. With Christmas…always comes hope…excitement…joy.
And as much as I want to feel those things…
this year is very different.
This year…
as Christmas rapidly approaches…
so does what would have been our baby’s birth.
I think I always thought…even during that horrid week…that when this time came…I would be safely pregnant again.
Yet here we are…the whole in my womb every bit as big as the whole in my heart.
Admittedly…I have tried to fight it. I have tried to not allow myself to be reminded. Go on girl’s weekend trips. Celebrate birthdays. Dance. Keep enjoying the every day. All the while…blocking facebook feeds that are announcing pregnancies with precious ultrasound pictures or only talking about pregnancy and how you think you’ve found the perfect name. Look away from glowing, pregnant women. Stay away from the baby section at Target…even if it means you walk completely and utterly out of your way to get to the frozen section. And never…EVER…allow yourself to look at a newborn baby.
It’s the tiniest things that render me to tears these days. It could be the sound of a baby crying. It could be the smell of baby powder. The sight of a swaddled child…or the first few notes of a lullaby.
I’m going to the Nutcracker market tomorrow…a tradition that holds so much joy for me. However…I can’t help but remember my plan last April to buy our baby’s December birthstone at the Nutcracker this year to add to my necklace…before I knew. I’m prepared for the hurt. I know that I will pass buy the soft baby blankets and the darling infant gowns…touching them softly…trying to hide my broken heart.
I’ve had many conversations with God lately. I’ve told him how taking a child away from a mother is a deal breaker. It’s something she just can’t rally from. She may keep walking along…like everything is going to be okay…but it’s not at all how she really feels. The minute there is a reminder…the memory and emotion comes forcing it’s way to the surface…bringing pain. A pain that is like no other.
Today…I kept wondering,
Why is the pain even worse now? Shouldn’t it be better? Why does it hurt so bad? Why can’t I stop crying?
And he answered me in a single instant.
It’s because now…my baby would not just be a tiny beginning…but ready to be born…ready to meet us. It would be ready to breath it’s first breath. Ready to cry. Ready to be held and rocked and swaddled. Only it’s gone. And I don’t even know whether or not to call it he or she.
Today…I wonder how I will make it through Christmas.
Today…I wonder when I’ll stop crying.
Today…it just hurts.
Mindy, I’m sorry to hear that! Just know that you are never alone in what you are feeling. There was a time just seeing a pregnant woman would make me angry. It will get better. There will always be something that will bring it back up, even years later, but they will become fewer and less painful with time. Let me know if you ever want to talk.