I wish that this was a space were everything was always happy. But things are kind of a mess. Everywhere I look…a mess.
And this time…no amount of tinsel or white twinkly lights can make it better. For example…the laundry on the middle of the living room floor…the one that Annslee is laying on top of watching TV…the one that we just keep stepping around because none of us feel like folding it…
well…you can throw all the white twinkly lights in the world on top of it…but it will still be there.
And the sadness that we are all feeling right now…
you could wrap garland and bows all around it…until you can’t even see it anymore.
But…we will still feel it.
Our family has taken some hits. Our morale is low. It’s been 6 months of a lot of “No’s.”
And…this is when most people would tell me…”Just look around at all you have! You are so blessed! You have no real reason to be stuck in this pit! What about those people over there??? Now…they have a reason to be stuck. But not you!!! You have every reason to be happy!”
And all of this is true.
But…as I watch my son’s heart break because he got a big “NO” last week…I wonder…is that what he needs to hear? Is that what I need to tell myself??
Maybe. But somehow that speech just didn’t seem right.
Instead…I sat beside him in his bed…and we cried together. We cried because it hurts when we lose something our hearts were dreaming about.
After a long conversation…we both realized that he was stuck in the anger phase of grief. And I may be too. We knew we had gone through denial. We knew that during those 2 or so weeks…we thought, “For sure…this baby will be okay.” Denial. And we prayed. He prayed a lot. He admitted to me last night that he begged God for the life of his sibling…telling him that he would never sin again if the baby would live. What a sweet and tender prayer from a child. So…there was the bargaining stage. And then comes anger. And with anger comes jealousy…and envy…and bitterness. With anger comes destruction…
destruction of the heart.
So…we realized…we both have been walking around in anger for a while.
And then…last week, we both really thought the tide was turning and we were going to get a “yes”…a “yes” that we had all been hoping for, for a very long time…and more importantly…a “yes” that we were “needing” and “counting on”…because this “yes” was going to dissolve the anger of the other “No’s” in our hearts. However…instead of that “Yes”…it was another heart breaking “No.”
And so…the anger of this “No” combined with the anger from the other “No’s” was just about more than we could take.
And just like that…God was going to have us work through this together. All of us.
Trusting Jesus is great. Focusing on what we do have is great. But letting God walk you through the anger phase of grief is absolutely necessary. You can tell a person all you want that it could be worse. Yes…it could always be worse. But it doesn’t take away the hurt. It just kinda heaps a little bit of guilt and shame on them for being sad. And most importantly…we all realized…that you can’t live your life waiting for the yes’s to dissolve the hurt and anger of the no’s because it just doesn’t work like that.
So…I guess what I’m trying to say is…
Yes. We are a mess. Our messy pet hair covered, dirty laundry splashed, toilet ringed, dust invaded house reflects our messy hearts. But each day…we pick up a toy or a wet towel here and there…straightening one room at a time…item by item…piece by piece. It’s not going to get done in one day…or even in one week. It may take a long time. And I’m okay with it. I’m not going to be angry with the mess anymore. And I’m going to teach my son to not be angry with the mess either.
And by God…we are going to throw as much tinsel and twinkly lights around our mess as possible…
not because we are trying to hide it…
but because we are making it beautiful.
Today…I’m praying that we keep our messy and tender hearts open to God as He continues to tend to them…gently mending the broken pieces back together. I thank Him for not giving up on us when we rip our hearts out of His hands and scream, “Just leave us alone!” I pray that we will let him comfort us and that we can let go of the anger that we hold onto…mistaking it for protection. I pray that we will not just know…but feel the comfort of this love…this care…this repairing. I pray that we will not mistake His love…that we will not question it…that we will not grumble in it…that we will not doubt it. I pray that we will not turn our backs…and shy away from what He…in no doubt…is using to bring us closer to Him. I pray that we will quit blaming Him for the mess…and that, instead, we allow Him to make our mess beautiful.